*WARNING: This podcast mentions suicide, sexual abuse & trauma and may be triggering.
Episode Summary
In this conversation, Lisa and Natasha explore the themes of mental health, vulnerability, and the impact of stress and isolation. They discuss the importance of sharing our struggles, the role of humor as a coping mechanism, and the necessity of listening to our bodies.
The conversation emphasizes the need for support, setting boundaries in conversations, and recognizing early warning signs of stress. They encourage small, manageable steps towards self-care and personal growth, highlighting the significance of being honest about one's feelings and experiences.
Episode Sponsored by The HelpHUB™
Struggling with your mental health? Feeling lost, overwhelmed, or just alone? Well, you're not. Welcome to The HelpHUB™—your online destination for mental health resources, treatment options, content, and tools to help meet you exactly where you are in the moment. Visit TheHelpHUB.co to get started.
Takeaways
- Sharing vulnerabilities can lead to real support.
- Stress often manifests in our bodies before our minds acknowledge it.
- Humor can be a powerful coping mechanism.
- It's okay to admit when you're not okay.
- Setting boundaries in conversations is essential.
- Listening to our bodies can help us manage stress better.
- Small daily changes can lead to significant improvements.
- Curiosity about our mental health is a great starting point.
- It's important to balance sharing and listening in conversations.
- You are not alone in your struggles.
Chapters
00:00 Breaking Mental Health Taboos 02:58 The Impact of Stress and Isolation 05:48 The Importance of Vulnerability and Support 09:03 Coping Mechanisms and Humor 11:57 Listening to Our Bodies 14:51 Finding What Works for You 17:49 The Pressure to Appear Strong 20:48 The Balance of Sharing and Listening 23:38 Setting Boundaries in Conversations 26:39 Recognizing Early Warning Signs 29:19 Small Steps Towards Change 32:29 Curiosity and Learning 35:39 Homework for Self-RegulationMental Health Resources
- If you or someone you know is struggling, please call 988 for help.
- The Survivors Podcast Website – https://thesurvivors.net/
- The HelpHUB™ – Mental health resources, tools, and support networks – https://www.thehelphub.co/
- National Domestic Violence Hotline – Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7223)
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See you next week! In the meantime, keep surviving.
00:00:00 --> 00:00:05 Hey, friends, before we dive into this week's episode, just a heads up.
00:00:05 --> 00:00:09 Our podcast talks about suicide, sexual abuse, and other trauma,
00:00:09 --> 00:00:13 and some of what you hear may be triggering. So please listen with care.
00:00:14 --> 00:00:19 This is The Survivors, real stories, raw conversations, and the truth about
00:00:19 --> 00:00:21 what it means to keep going after the hardest things.
00:00:22 --> 00:00:25 We're so glad you're here. Let's keep surviving together.
00:00:27 --> 00:00:32 So last week was a big week, podcast-wise, would you say? It was.
00:00:32 --> 00:00:37 That was a pretty, I would say, groundbreaking episode for me,
00:00:37 --> 00:00:42 personally, because that was incredibly vulnerable and difficult for me to share publicly.
00:00:42 --> 00:00:49 It was. So the episode we're talking about is breaking mental health taboos from last week.
00:00:49 --> 00:00:55 If you didn't listen, you can go back and listen to episode three of season four.
00:00:56 --> 00:01:02 And Natasha, you were talking about how stress and isolation and joylessness,
00:01:03 --> 00:01:05 I mean, I'm just going to say it because it's what we talked about,
00:01:05 --> 00:01:07 was really affecting you.
00:01:07 --> 00:01:14 And we got into it. We got into how you were feeling and the fact that you were
00:01:14 --> 00:01:18 having suicidal ideation and you kind of broke through a barrier,
00:01:18 --> 00:01:21 I think, for yourself. Is it fair to say that that way?
00:01:21 --> 00:01:27 Yes. And sharing that publicly, you know, I shared a poem that I had written
00:01:27 --> 00:01:31 about, you know, just being tired and wanting to just finally be at rest.
00:01:31 --> 00:01:36 And if that was because death showed up at my door, I would gladly welcome it. Yeah.
00:01:37 --> 00:01:39 And that was heavy. That was heavy for me to hear.
00:01:40 --> 00:01:43 And I know it was heavy for listeners to hear.
00:01:43 --> 00:01:49 And so I feel like this episode should be kind of a continuation of that in
00:01:49 --> 00:01:52 some ways, kind of on the stress side of that.
00:01:53 --> 00:01:58 Because I know before I hit record, you said, so I was checking in with you
00:01:58 --> 00:02:03 to see kind of how all that felt afterward, just kind of debriefing it with you.
00:02:03 --> 00:02:08 And you said it was really great. To relieve a lot of the stress and pressure
00:02:08 --> 00:02:13 that you had been carrying around, which I loved hearing you say that because
00:02:13 --> 00:02:18 you never know how somebody is going to feel when they let everything that's bottled up out.
00:02:18 --> 00:02:21 And I'm so, so grateful for that.
00:02:22 --> 00:02:27 Had a positive impact on you to let it out and hear yourself say these things.
00:02:27 --> 00:02:33 So let's talk about stress a little differently. And let's talk about it kind
00:02:33 --> 00:02:37 of in the context of what you did.
00:02:37 --> 00:02:40 Like it lives in our heads so much.
00:02:40 --> 00:02:43 And for you, it was living in your head and it was living in your body and it
00:02:43 --> 00:02:46 was kind of permeating everything.
00:02:47 --> 00:02:53 So how, when things felt so chaotic for you last week.
00:02:54 --> 00:03:00 Where did you notice the urge to control things showing up? Like,
00:03:01 --> 00:03:05 Where did you notice, maybe control is the wrong word, where did you notice
00:03:05 --> 00:03:08 the stress the most, would you say?
00:03:09 --> 00:03:13 It honestly showed up the most in noises.
00:03:14 --> 00:03:22 Really? Yes. Just simple bodily noises that my family would make or coworkers would make.
00:03:24 --> 00:03:27 Just breathing eating just any
00:03:27 --> 00:03:30 kind of sound would send me over
00:03:30 --> 00:03:34 the rails and i would have to get up and walk away you
00:03:34 --> 00:03:37 know i spent the last month very isolated
00:03:37 --> 00:03:40 not talking about a lot
00:03:40 --> 00:03:43 or sharing a whole lot i thought that i
00:03:43 --> 00:03:50 was being very open or it was very apparent how I was feeling but obviously
00:03:50 --> 00:03:56 you had no idea George had no idea because for me how I know that I am not in
00:03:56 --> 00:04:02 a good place is when I stop joking around when I stop being my outgoing and jovial self,
00:04:03 --> 00:04:09 and when I withdraw and I thought that that was just a kind of abundantly clear
00:04:09 --> 00:04:14 that that's what was happening but again you never know how it's perceived to
00:04:14 --> 00:04:19 others and but I thought for sure George would have picked up on it because
00:04:19 --> 00:04:21 obviously we've been together for 23 years.
00:04:22 --> 00:04:29 But again, you just get in parent mode and you never know what they're seeing.
00:04:29 --> 00:04:33 And I can honestly say, so I did sit down with him the next day and we had a
00:04:33 --> 00:04:38 conversation and I just let him read all of the poems that I had written because
00:04:38 --> 00:04:39 I had written a number of them.
00:04:40 --> 00:04:47 And he was speechless. Did you let him listen to the episode at that point?
00:04:47 --> 00:04:52 And I don't know if he listens or not. I'm going to be perfectly honest.
00:04:52 --> 00:04:53 I don't know if he listens to the episodes.
00:04:54 --> 00:04:59 But I feel like he kind of responded in a way where he just kind of shut down
00:04:59 --> 00:05:03 a little bit because he didn't know what to do. And that's okay.
00:05:04 --> 00:05:05 He needed to be aware of it.
00:05:06 --> 00:05:10 You were aware of it. The people that were closest to me were aware of it.
00:05:10 --> 00:05:14 And I will say that my best friend that I had mentioned in the previous episode,
00:05:15 --> 00:05:18 she actually called me and just told me.
00:05:19 --> 00:05:22 She's like, look, she listened to the episode. She listens faithfully every week.
00:05:23 --> 00:05:25 And she said. What's her name?
00:05:25 --> 00:05:32 Her name is Jane. Hi, Jane. Thank you, Jane, for being such a devoted listener.
00:05:32 --> 00:05:35 Well, actually, so I have to rephrase that. She didn't call me.
00:05:35 --> 00:05:38 So we do Marco Polo. We send video clips to each other.
00:05:38 --> 00:05:41 Oh, that's really cute. That's how we stay in touch. That's really cute.
00:05:41 --> 00:05:44 Yeah. So we just send like videos to each other.
00:05:45 --> 00:05:51 And she called me and left me, or not called, she left me a video after she listened.
00:05:51 --> 00:05:56 And she just was like, I want you to know that I love you.
00:05:57 --> 00:06:02 And again, she just shows up in the most perfect way.
00:06:03 --> 00:06:09 And just she doesn't ever remind me of what I'd be missing out on if I wasn't here.
00:06:09 --> 00:06:12 She doesn't guilt trip. I don't know. She just has this beautiful way of showing
00:06:12 --> 00:06:16 up for me in a way that is perfect for me.
00:06:16 --> 00:06:20 And so, yeah, she just wanted to remind me that I was loved.
00:06:20 --> 00:06:26 And I will say that I had a number of followers who I've connected with on social
00:06:26 --> 00:06:31 media who have reached out to me, sent me messages. Hey, I'm concerned about you.
00:06:31 --> 00:06:35 I want you to know that I am here. I even had some strangers who had recently
00:06:35 --> 00:06:37 found my content send me some private messages.
00:06:39 --> 00:06:45 So I want you to know, I love that, that I see you and I hear you and I appreciate
00:06:45 --> 00:06:48 your care and concern because that again is not something that I am used to
00:06:48 --> 00:06:51 because I've always gone through this alone.
00:06:51 --> 00:06:56 I have always pulled myself literally out of a dark hole myself.
00:06:57 --> 00:07:02 Every time. This is the very first time that I felt like I've had some actual real support.
00:07:03 --> 00:07:09 So I want to say thank you to you and to everybody else out there that checked on me. Well, you know.
00:07:10 --> 00:07:16 You reap what you sow, as far as I'm concerned. And you're the kind of person
00:07:16 --> 00:07:20 who is going to do the same for anybody in your life without thinking twice.
00:07:21 --> 00:07:26 So it shouldn't come as any great shock to you that there are people out there
00:07:26 --> 00:07:28 who want to do the same for you.
00:07:28 --> 00:07:31 So I'm glad, I'm really, really glad that you're having that experience.
00:07:33 --> 00:07:36 What is it like? What does that feel like to you?
00:07:36 --> 00:07:41 When you're stressed now and having someone check in on you and having people
00:07:41 --> 00:07:47 look after you, what is that like now versus when you've been stressed in the
00:07:47 --> 00:07:50 past and you're trying to stabilize everything by yourself?
00:07:50 --> 00:07:56 How is it different for you? Well, first of all, I want to say you're so sweet
00:07:56 --> 00:07:59 to say the word stress, but you can say the word unstable because I have been unstable.
00:08:00 --> 00:08:06 Okay. I'll say all the words. I mean, look, I'm not afraid of the words.
00:08:07 --> 00:08:09 That way you should be afraid of the words. I'm mentally unstable.
00:08:10 --> 00:08:14 And we're laughing about it because we've been in the thick of it.
00:08:14 --> 00:08:15 You've been in the thick of it.
00:08:15 --> 00:08:18 We have had a lot of online texting and conversation.
00:08:19 --> 00:08:23 Did I say online or offline? Online, offline, all the things.
00:08:23 --> 00:08:25 You know what I mean. We communicate daily.
00:08:25 --> 00:08:31 Yeah, conversation daily, checking in on you daily. And like you talked about
00:08:31 --> 00:08:37 when you first took over as co-host, that a big part of your own coping mechanism
00:08:37 --> 00:08:38 in your life has been humor.
00:08:39 --> 00:08:45 It's like if you can't take a, you know, take a second and step back and kind
00:08:45 --> 00:08:47 of laugh at the absurdity of how.
00:08:48 --> 00:08:54 Hard things are at times, then what else can you do?
00:08:54 --> 00:08:57 If you can't laugh at it sometimes, sometimes that's your only release.
00:08:57 --> 00:09:01 And nobody should be criticized or judged in any way for how they choose to
00:09:01 --> 00:09:04 cope with something like that. That's your coping mechanism.
00:09:04 --> 00:09:05 You don't need to give anybody an excuse.
00:09:06 --> 00:09:12 But you and I will sometimes burst into laughter over something stupid after
00:09:12 --> 00:09:15 we've just gotten super intense about something.
00:09:15 --> 00:09:18 And it's just how we navigate it.
00:09:19 --> 00:09:23 Right. We understand it's not a laughing matter. And Lisa has always been so
00:09:23 --> 00:09:25 great to let me be myself.
00:09:25 --> 00:09:28 And, you know, people ask me,
00:09:28 --> 00:09:31 how have I been able to deal with everything that's ever happened to me?
00:09:31 --> 00:09:35 And one thing I know for sure is the laughing.
00:09:36 --> 00:09:41 Like, I have to laugh about it because that is my brain's way of dealing with it.
00:09:42 --> 00:09:48 And it's not something I take lightly, but it's what my brain has chosen to
00:09:48 --> 00:09:50 do to deal with all the trauma.
00:09:50 --> 00:09:54 Yeah, and we each have our own little coping mechanisms.
00:09:55 --> 00:09:59 Now, I've noticed in my own life, and since we're talking about stress as kind
00:09:59 --> 00:10:04 of the theme here and how to deal with it, especially after a really,
00:10:04 --> 00:10:11 really maybe a traumatic loss or a traumatic experience, or in your case,
00:10:11 --> 00:10:17 a move, or in my case, I just came back from moving both sets of my parents
00:10:17 --> 00:10:21 and my in-laws out of their home and into another home within,
00:10:21 --> 00:10:22 what, a month of each other,
00:10:23 --> 00:10:25 which has been unbelievably stressful. So-
00:10:26 --> 00:10:31 I've noticed myself, and I'm curious if you've had this too,
00:10:31 --> 00:10:38 that my body knows I'm stressed way before my mind admits it. Way before.
00:10:38 --> 00:10:44 And like you said to me a little while ago that when I came on the screen to
00:10:44 --> 00:10:47 record, you said you just look more relaxed.
00:10:47 --> 00:10:50 And it's true. And I didn't even realize I didn't look relaxed until I look
00:10:50 --> 00:10:56 back now after the fact that I think, oh, yeah, I really, I was pretty in the thick of it.
00:10:56 --> 00:11:02 And, you know, pretty, I wouldn't say frazzled, but definitely stressed.
00:11:03 --> 00:11:08 And my body was feeling that, like I'll wake up at, you know,
00:11:08 --> 00:11:15 two in the morning and my mind starts to go and it just doesn't stop.
00:11:15 --> 00:11:21 And it's like screaming at me about something before the thoughts actually catch
00:11:21 --> 00:11:25 up with what my body is experiencing. Do you have that? Do you ever have anything like that?
00:11:26 --> 00:11:29 Absolutely. I've been waking up on the regular in the middle of the night,
00:11:29 --> 00:11:33 unable to go back to sleep because my brain won't shut up.
00:11:34 --> 00:11:37 Yeah. And it's exhausting. Yeah, it is exhausting.
00:11:38 --> 00:11:45 It is exhausting. And I wish that there was like a one, a one foolproof answer
00:11:45 --> 00:11:50 that would, you know, or a solution that would take it away.
00:11:50 --> 00:11:52 But there isn't. I think, I think just doing what you and I are doing right
00:11:52 --> 00:11:54 now, which is like sitting here and just kind of hashing through and talking
00:11:54 --> 00:11:59 about it and talking about like how sucky it feels to be dysregulated.
00:11:59 --> 00:12:02 And if you're lying in bed like that at two in the morning saying,
00:12:02 --> 00:12:03 why can't I just handle this better?
00:12:04 --> 00:12:09 Or, you know, why am I being so reactive to things? And what do I do?
00:12:10 --> 00:12:14 You know, it's hard. It's really hard to be in that situation and not really
00:12:14 --> 00:12:17 have a clear path through it.
00:12:17 --> 00:12:25 Sometimes you just have to just keep moving forward in some ways or other people
00:12:25 --> 00:12:28 might need to just completely shut it all down.
00:12:28 --> 00:12:30 Yes and i know you've done that
00:12:30 --> 00:12:33 i have yes absolutely making my world
00:12:33 --> 00:12:37 smaller i can only tolerate a very
00:12:37 --> 00:12:42 small amount of like external input and
00:12:42 --> 00:12:44 but i will say the number one thing that i have
00:12:44 --> 00:12:47 noticed that helps for me when i am not doing well
00:12:47 --> 00:12:50 mentally is talking about it
00:12:50 --> 00:12:53 saying it out loud getting it out
00:12:53 --> 00:12:56 of here yeah your head and even
00:12:56 --> 00:13:01 into just on a piece of paper or in a safe conversation with somebody that you
00:13:01 --> 00:13:07 care about but getting it out speaking it something about speaking it just makes
00:13:07 --> 00:13:14 it more manageable and it's just a weight that kind of gets lifted off and you're like oh wow.
00:13:16 --> 00:13:19 Something about making it a reality. It's just weird how that works,
00:13:19 --> 00:13:22 but I have noticed that as a common theme for me.
00:13:23 --> 00:13:26 Yeah, you know, what I've been doing every day, and I don't know if I mentioned
00:13:26 --> 00:13:31 this in the last episode or the one before, but I started doing, so I journal every day.
00:13:31 --> 00:13:35 And it might only be two, three, four, five minutes, but I do journal every day.
00:13:36 --> 00:13:41 And I've been asking myself the same couple of questions every day,
00:13:41 --> 00:13:45 and the answers are so unbelievably different day to day.
00:13:45 --> 00:13:50 Like, what do I need right now, right in this moment?
00:13:50 --> 00:13:54 And I'm just kind of free writing.
00:13:54 --> 00:13:58 And sometimes I have to say space, or sometimes I say quiet,
00:13:58 --> 00:14:03 or sometimes I say a box of money to fall out of the sky because life is so expensive.
00:14:04 --> 00:14:11 And I'm also asking myself, what would help my body feel safe right now?
00:14:11 --> 00:14:18 And those two questions have really led to some interesting,
00:14:18 --> 00:14:22 I don't even want to say revelations because it's not really like revelations,
00:14:22 --> 00:14:25 but just like understandings about what I'm going through in the moment.
00:14:27 --> 00:14:30 Do you know what I mean? Mm-hmm. And it's just helpful. It's just,
00:14:30 --> 00:14:37 you know, when you really take inventory in an honest way of what you really need.
00:14:37 --> 00:14:45 Like, I do a great job of convincing myself a lot of the time that I'm not stressed.
00:14:45 --> 00:14:51 Or trying to convince myself that I'm not stressed when I know damn well that
00:14:51 --> 00:14:59 I am. And in the past, I've really just tried to ignore it and kind of push on and push through.
00:14:59 --> 00:15:03 And sometimes that works. A lot of times it doesn't work.
00:15:03 --> 00:15:10 And I'm realizing more and more now that just kind of stepping aside,
00:15:10 --> 00:15:19 stepping off, shutting things down and really answering honestly what I need
00:15:19 --> 00:15:21 in the moment and acknowledging it.
00:15:21 --> 00:15:25 Like, if I know what I really need is I need to do absolutely nothing right now.
00:15:25 --> 00:15:28 I need to step away from my desk. I need to put my phone down.
00:15:28 --> 00:15:31 I need to go outside or I need to go to the gym or I need to watch,
00:15:32 --> 00:15:38 you know, to catch a smuggler and binge it all afternoon. Then that's what I
00:15:38 --> 00:15:41 need to do. And I'm doing that a lot more now than I ever did before.
00:15:41 --> 00:15:46 And it works. I think it's just like being honest with yourself because it's
00:15:46 --> 00:15:48 so easy to lie to yourself.
00:15:49 --> 00:15:52 It's so so easy the days of
00:15:52 --> 00:15:55 having to push through we're done with those oh
00:15:55 --> 00:15:58 yeah i if i if that was one piece of advice that i
00:15:58 --> 00:16:01 could give my younger self being a
00:16:01 --> 00:16:09 young mom and is just to slow down it's okay to rest like you don't always have
00:16:09 --> 00:16:15 to be in a rush like i just if we just slowed down and we're more intentional
00:16:15 --> 00:16:19 and actually listen to what our bodies need or what our, you know what I mean?
00:16:19 --> 00:16:23 I feel like I just could have been a better, better off.
00:16:23 --> 00:16:25 But, you know, I was actually thinking about it.
00:16:26 --> 00:16:29 Something came up for me and I remembered that.
00:16:30 --> 00:16:36 Always at the funerals of my family members, we have to put on this,
00:16:36 --> 00:16:41 especially the early ones, this stoic, like we're strong.
00:16:42 --> 00:16:48 And I realized that's because what my mom does. She can't let herself fall apart in public.
00:16:51 --> 00:16:59 And when I saw David's body, David passed away in 2005. and when I saw when
00:16:59 --> 00:17:01 we were gathered around his body,
00:17:03 --> 00:17:08 I did what any 20-year-old young girl would do, and I panicked and I freaked out.
00:17:09 --> 00:17:15 And she pulled me aside in that moment and told me to pull my shit together.
00:17:16 --> 00:17:20 I'm so sorry. That was the last thing in the world you needed to hear in that moment.
00:17:21 --> 00:17:25 Yes, because it was, we all have to put on a brave face. We're not going to
00:17:25 --> 00:17:28 fall apart in public. We can't do this.
00:17:28 --> 00:17:33 And the same thing happened with Monroe's funeral, which we're coming up on a year anniversary.
00:17:34 --> 00:17:40 I came up the morning of his funeral, no makeup on, just in a very comfortable,
00:17:40 --> 00:17:44 and we do our funerals are private now, especially when it's a suicide.
00:17:45 --> 00:17:49 And because I didn't have a full beat face of makeup on and I wasn't looking
00:17:49 --> 00:17:51 presentable, that was not acceptable.
00:17:52 --> 00:17:58 And I just, I couldn't, I just, I just have reached this point where I can no
00:17:58 --> 00:18:01 longer fake it anymore. You shouldn't have to.
00:18:01 --> 00:18:06 No one should. No one should. And I know you're talking about it in the context
00:18:06 --> 00:18:12 of grief, but I just mean in the context of life and stress too.
00:18:12 --> 00:18:15 And just generalized stress.
00:18:15 --> 00:18:19 Like why are we not admitting that we're affected?
00:18:20 --> 00:18:23 Why? And I'm so guilty of that. I'm so guilty of that.
00:18:23 --> 00:18:28 I still catch myself doing that all the time That you just, if you're a mom,
00:18:28 --> 00:18:31 you want to be somewhat strong for your children.
00:18:32 --> 00:18:37 You want to be, it's not about appearances. It's never been about appearances for me.
00:18:37 --> 00:18:43 It's more about, I just don't like feeling good.
00:18:44 --> 00:18:48 Like, I don't have a grasp on myself.
00:18:49 --> 00:18:52 And, or at least I have up until now in a lot of situations.
00:18:52 --> 00:18:56 And I'm just realizing how ridiculous that is to have that mentality.
00:18:57 --> 00:18:58 And that's just my own opinion.
00:18:59 --> 00:19:04 I'm sure people have their own. But, like, you're not weak. You're not.
00:19:05 --> 00:19:10 You're not to be faulted because you're stressed or you're overwhelmed or you're
00:19:10 --> 00:19:15 overworked or you're tired or you're burnt out or you're grieving or you are whatever you are.
00:19:15 --> 00:19:23 But we live in this culture that's created this ridiculous mentality that you
00:19:23 --> 00:19:26 have to have your shit together. You can't take sick days.
00:19:26 --> 00:19:32 You can't, you know, you have to take on all the work. You have to work 18 hours
00:19:32 --> 00:19:36 a day or someone else is going to come in and take your job.
00:19:36 --> 00:19:42 I mean, it's these societal constructs that make us believe that we have to
00:19:42 --> 00:19:44 do these things. And they are bullshit.
00:19:45 --> 00:19:50 And that's a predominantly Western society thing from what I've gathered.
00:19:51 --> 00:19:59 And, you know, I just hope everybody knows that being vulnerable and raw and real is...
00:20:00 --> 00:20:01 It makes you human.
00:20:01 --> 00:20:08 I'm so glad we've come to, you know, our society has evolved a lot in the last, I would say, decade.
00:20:08 --> 00:20:12 And there's a lot more awareness about them in the mental health space.
00:20:12 --> 00:20:14 And I'm very grateful for that.
00:20:15 --> 00:20:19 And, you know, I'll never get tired of saying it's okay not to be okay.
00:20:19 --> 00:20:23 And, you know, even if somebody is checking in with you and they're not even
00:20:23 --> 00:20:28 sure how to ask you, like, if you're actively grieving or you're stressed or whatever.
00:20:28 --> 00:20:31 And they're you know and somebody asks you how's it
00:20:31 --> 00:20:33 going it's okay to respond with you know
00:20:33 --> 00:20:37 things are not great right now but that's okay i know
00:20:37 --> 00:20:41 it won't stay that way forever i it was just a podcast i was listening to and
00:20:41 --> 00:20:45 she gave like seven responses generic responses where you can be real and honest
00:20:45 --> 00:20:50 but if you it's a co-worker somebody you don't necessarily feel like having
00:20:50 --> 00:20:52 an in-depth conversation with
00:20:52 --> 00:20:55 you can still be real and honest you know you're not going to be honest,
00:20:56 --> 00:21:00 Things are tough right now, but I'm going to be okay. Just simple things like that.
00:21:00 --> 00:21:04 Being open and honest. I think that takes where we're trying to fake it and
00:21:04 --> 00:21:08 pretend like everything's okay when it's not. That takes up more energy mentally
00:21:08 --> 00:21:11 and physically and psychologically than people realize.
00:21:11 --> 00:21:15 And then also, too, no one really knows what anyone else is really dealing with.
00:21:15 --> 00:21:18 So nobody can be there to support. Nobody can help in any way.
00:21:18 --> 00:21:21 Nobody really understands what you're going through. It's like one big facade.
00:21:22 --> 00:21:29 If you're just telling people only the curated bits of what's going on. Now, look, I get it.
00:21:30 --> 00:21:32 And I'm one of these people who I don't like to burden anybody.
00:21:33 --> 00:21:38 Looking for mental health resources that actually fit who you are and where you come from?
00:21:38 --> 00:21:42 Then you need to check out the Help Hub. It's not another generic wellness site.
00:21:42 --> 00:21:48 It's a free, inclusive online platform built for real people living real lives.
00:21:48 --> 00:21:53 People managing stress anxiety depression trauma
00:21:53 --> 00:21:56 and abuse grief or suicide loss at
00:21:56 --> 00:21:59 the help hub you'll find the resources tools treatment options
00:21:59 --> 00:22:04 and trauma-informed content you need in the moment without having to dig through
00:22:04 --> 00:22:09 endless tabs or start from scratch it's your place to land to take a breath
00:22:09 --> 00:22:14 and to find exactly what you need when you need it most visit thehelphub.co
00:22:14 --> 00:22:17 where the help you need is just a click away,
00:22:18 --> 00:22:19 Thank you.
00:22:23 --> 00:22:27 I really don't. Yes, same. I do not like to burden. I don't like to burden Dave.
00:22:27 --> 00:22:32 I don't like to, which is stupid because we've been together for almost 40 years
00:22:32 --> 00:22:34 since we were 17 years old.
00:22:34 --> 00:22:39 And I mean, he probably is the one, he definitely is the one who sees it all
00:22:39 --> 00:22:43 and hears it all and experiences it all, all the sides of me that not everybody
00:22:43 --> 00:22:44 sees. My kids, of course, see it.
00:22:44 --> 00:22:48 My mom sees it and my close friends see it, but only to a point.
00:22:48 --> 00:22:52 And that's a vulnerability thing. That's a me thing where I just like don't.
00:22:53 --> 00:22:58 Want to burden someone with that. And I know sometimes, you know,
00:22:58 --> 00:23:01 when somebody's oversharing, I feel like there's a balance.
00:23:01 --> 00:23:03 Like you're allowed to say, I'm having kind of a shit day.
00:23:04 --> 00:23:09 But like you said, eventually in time, it's going to pass.
00:23:09 --> 00:23:12 I know that. But you know what? I am acknowledging like right now I'm having a shit day.
00:23:12 --> 00:23:18 And there's a way to do that without TMI, without oversharing,
00:23:18 --> 00:23:23 without just running off at the mouth so the person who's listening to you It
00:23:23 --> 00:23:24 was like, oh, my God, when will this end?
00:23:25 --> 00:23:26 Like, there's a balance, everything
00:23:26 --> 00:23:29 in moderation, right? It is okay to disclose that you're not okay.
00:23:30 --> 00:23:32 And I think that's where some people are kind of all or nothing,
00:23:32 --> 00:23:33 I think, in the way that they do that.
00:23:35 --> 00:23:40 And, you know, maybe that's where things become problematic when people don't
00:23:40 --> 00:23:42 have an off switch when they get in that place.
00:23:43 --> 00:23:46 Like, we do have to have a little tiny bit, I think, of self-awareness.
00:23:46 --> 00:23:52 Like, it is absolutely okay to be real and to be honest and to say, I'm not good right now.
00:23:53 --> 00:23:59 I'm stressed or whatever I am, but also recognize that the people that you're
00:23:59 --> 00:24:01 sharing it with are human, too.
00:24:01 --> 00:24:05 And we want to be somewhat conscious of the fact that if someone's holding space
00:24:05 --> 00:24:08 for us, we need to respect that.
00:24:09 --> 00:24:16 And we need to at least be aware of what we're saying and how much we're saying. Yeah.
00:24:17 --> 00:24:22 I think so. I think it goes both ways. I think we all need to learn how to say
00:24:22 --> 00:24:23 more and receive better.
00:24:24 --> 00:24:32 Yes. And listen, that's my biggest thing is I get so tired of being talked at
00:24:32 --> 00:24:39 or I have a co-worker who she will specifically ask me,
00:24:39 --> 00:24:42 how was your weekend or how was your evening or whatever.
00:24:42 --> 00:24:46 She'll wait for me to respond, sometimes not even let me finish.
00:24:46 --> 00:24:51 And then she'll jump into whatever it is that she wants to dump on me.
00:24:52 --> 00:24:57 And that's hard. And I've kind of gotten a little bit to where I am.
00:24:57 --> 00:25:01 I've started to avoid her a little bit because I've kind of felt like I've become
00:25:01 --> 00:25:03 her therapist at some point.
00:25:03 --> 00:25:06 Well, see, that's what I'm talking about. That's a hard situation.
00:25:06 --> 00:25:10 That's where the tables are uneven.
00:25:11 --> 00:25:20 Right. The scales are uneven. and one person is taking on more than maybe they can handle.
00:25:20 --> 00:25:23 And here's the thing too, like if you're someone who is receiving something
00:25:23 --> 00:25:27 from someone and you genuinely want to be there and you want to listen and someone
00:25:27 --> 00:25:29 is stressed and you want to be there to help them.
00:25:30 --> 00:25:35 To help them work through that stress, you're also allowed to have your own boundaries, too.
00:25:35 --> 00:25:41 You're also allowed to be there and to listen to a point where you feel like you can.
00:25:41 --> 00:25:44 And then when you can't anymore, you're allowed to say, hey,
00:25:44 --> 00:25:46 listen, like, I care so much about you.
00:25:46 --> 00:25:52 And I want to be there for you. I just don't think that at this moment,
00:25:52 --> 00:25:58 I can continue to hold space for you or to be there for you the way that I want
00:25:58 --> 00:26:02 to at this moment. Like, I'm feeling a little overwhelmed.
00:26:02 --> 00:26:07 I'm not quite sure how to handle this and what to say beyond this point.
00:26:07 --> 00:26:12 And you're allowed to do that. And I don't think people really understand that
00:26:12 --> 00:26:17 there should be rules of engagement on both sides. We should be able to say
00:26:17 --> 00:26:20 the things that we need to say and people should be able to receive it.
00:26:20 --> 00:26:23 But we're all allowed to be honest in
00:26:23 --> 00:26:26 that process all the way through right we're not
00:26:26 --> 00:26:29 anybody's punching bag we're not anybody's dumping
00:26:29 --> 00:26:36 ground of no just endlessly listening you know and you are okay i don't know
00:26:36 --> 00:26:39 why but i love this pre-k pause i don't even know where i heard it but you're
00:26:39 --> 00:26:44 okay to have a pre-k pause a pre-k as in pre-kindergarten yeah where we're gonna
00:26:44 --> 00:26:49 you know because little kids have to pause and you're okay to say hey.
00:26:50 --> 00:26:54 Pause the conversation or if it's getting too heavy and just saying you know
00:26:54 --> 00:26:58 what i'm just I need to pause the conversation right here before it goes any further.
00:26:59 --> 00:27:04 I'm just not in a place to continue this conversation. Yeah, yeah. I think that.
00:27:05 --> 00:27:09 One of the biggest things that we all need to do in regard to stress and how
00:27:09 --> 00:27:17 we experience it and how we express it and manage it is start paying attention to it.
00:27:18 --> 00:27:21 Because if we're listening to our bodies, and you've talked about this an awful
00:27:21 --> 00:27:23 lot, I know I have in the past too,
00:27:23 --> 00:27:30 when you start really dialing in and listening to your own body and noticing
00:27:30 --> 00:27:34 the signs and signals that your body is giving you.
00:27:35 --> 00:27:41 That makes such a big big difference because then you're you're kind of in sync with yourself,
00:27:42 --> 00:27:45 that's i think that to me that's one of the biggest takeaways
00:27:45 --> 00:27:48 of this conversation is that we all
00:27:48 --> 00:27:52 have to do a little bit better with our
00:27:52 --> 00:27:58 you know with our early warning system that we all have built in which is that
00:27:58 --> 00:28:04 that sense that feeling that our body gives us that we're at a breaking point
00:28:04 --> 00:28:09 or we're overwhelmed and and and act on those signals.
00:28:10 --> 00:28:13 Because your body talks to you a lot and i have mentioned this before,
00:28:14 --> 00:28:19 and if you if you continue to push through your body is going to give you an
00:28:19 --> 00:28:24 abrupt rude awakening forcing you to slow down that that has happened to me
00:28:24 --> 00:28:28 more times than i can't can count and it ends up being more detrimental,
00:28:29 --> 00:28:31 Have you experienced that?
00:28:31 --> 00:28:37 Oh, sure. Absolutely. Absolutely. Where I just go, go, go, go, and I ignore.
00:28:38 --> 00:28:43 Either I'm not aware of or I'm intentionally ignoring the signals, and then it's too late.
00:28:43 --> 00:28:48 Then you're burnt or you've run yourself down and you're sick or you've lost
00:28:48 --> 00:28:52 the capacity to function in the ways that you need to function.
00:28:52 --> 00:28:59 And it would have been so much easier just to pay attention to the signs ahead of time and just,
00:29:00 --> 00:29:04 Just do the little things here and there, like stepping away or giving yourself
00:29:04 --> 00:29:07 a break or a breather or take a mental health day or, you know,
00:29:08 --> 00:29:10 do the simple things that you and I talk about all the time, which is like,
00:29:11 --> 00:29:15 you know, sit under a cozy blanket and watch something mindless or read a book
00:29:15 --> 00:29:19 or go be with family or get outside, do all those things.
00:29:19 --> 00:29:27 But in terms of takeaways for this conversation, I mean, we said one of them,
00:29:27 --> 00:29:29 which is to, you know, actively pay attention to how you feel.
00:29:32 --> 00:29:38 Replace one controlling behavior that you have, and I'm not just talking to
00:29:38 --> 00:29:42 you, I'm talking to anybody who's listening, with one regulating behavior.
00:29:43 --> 00:29:50 Do you know what I mean? Like, if you're controlled by the impulse to keep going,
00:29:50 --> 00:29:54 going, going and not acknowledge when you need time for yourself,
00:29:54 --> 00:29:59 replace that when you get to that point and you hear the voice in your head
00:29:59 --> 00:30:00 saying, oh, shit, I really don't.
00:30:01 --> 00:30:05 I can't keep going, but I know I have to. Don't. You don't have to.
00:30:06 --> 00:30:13 Replace that impulse to keep going with an action to stop yourself from continuing.
00:30:13 --> 00:30:16 Like, walk away from your laptop. Shut off your phone.
00:30:17 --> 00:30:21 Don't take the call. That kind of thing. That's what I mean.
00:30:21 --> 00:30:27 And ask yourself, too, like, what is the coping strategy? like when you're trying
00:30:27 --> 00:30:31 to avoid something and you are actively working against what you know you really
00:30:31 --> 00:30:34 need, what are you trying to protect?
00:30:34 --> 00:30:38 Like, what is that coping strategy trying to protect?
00:30:39 --> 00:30:44 And that's an important question to ask because the answers can be really revealing.
00:30:45 --> 00:30:47 You know, maybe you're afraid if you stop, you'll fail.
00:30:48 --> 00:30:51 Maybe you're afraid if you aren't a people pleaser.
00:30:52 --> 00:30:57 People don't like you. I mean, you know, the thousand different ways that you can apply that.
00:30:58 --> 00:31:03 And the last thing is to do one small thing every day.
00:31:03 --> 00:31:09 One small thing. We overload each other and ourselves by trying to make all
00:31:09 --> 00:31:11 these big, broad, massive changes all at once.
00:31:11 --> 00:31:20 Do one little thing that signals to your own nervous system that you're safe right now.
00:31:20 --> 00:31:25 Like stop when you need to stop or seek out a friend when you need that hug
00:31:25 --> 00:31:26 or that support or that reassurance.
00:31:27 --> 00:31:33 Do that one single thing and see how that impacts your stress.
00:31:33 --> 00:31:39 Because at the end of the day, we are the ones that control how we act and react to the world around us.
00:31:39 --> 00:31:42 We can't We can't impact.
00:31:44 --> 00:31:49 As much, I think, as we all wish we could, but we can absolutely control how
00:31:49 --> 00:31:51 we react to what's going on around us.
00:31:51 --> 00:31:57 And once we realize that we all have that power, it's very game-changing,
00:31:57 --> 00:32:00 I think, in the scope of how we handle stress.
00:32:00 --> 00:32:03 Absolutely i agree i mean
00:32:03 --> 00:32:07 it's you know in the way that you can reframe
00:32:07 --> 00:32:10 your your nervous system because that's really what i feel
00:32:10 --> 00:32:13 like it comes down to is your nervous system is just is dysregulated
00:32:13 --> 00:32:16 we're getting when it gets too much information or
00:32:16 --> 00:32:19 what too much is going on your body is
00:32:19 --> 00:32:22 shutting down or you're going into a
00:32:22 --> 00:32:26 you know fight flies fight flight freeze
00:32:26 --> 00:32:29 or fawn survival mode all the
00:32:29 --> 00:32:32 things and your body is trying
00:32:32 --> 00:32:34 to preserve itself and if like you
00:32:34 --> 00:32:37 said taking one small thing that you can do per
00:32:37 --> 00:32:40 day and so for me in the last week
00:32:40 --> 00:32:44 since we had our last conversation i have
00:32:44 --> 00:32:47 been making more of an effort to wake up
00:32:47 --> 00:32:54 just a little bit earlier so that I can so that I'm not flying out of bed in
00:32:54 --> 00:33:00 a rush because I'm not a morning person getting ready for work and just having
00:33:00 --> 00:33:04 a moment to breathe get ready for the day,
00:33:05 --> 00:33:09 and know that I can remind myself I can do this.
00:33:10 --> 00:33:15 It's okay. Because sometimes I do have to talk myself out of getting out of bed. And that's okay.
00:33:16 --> 00:33:20 But just one small thing. So I've done that consistently for the last week.
00:33:20 --> 00:33:25 And so this next week, I am going to get up even just a little bit earlier.
00:33:26 --> 00:33:31 And I'm either I can't decide what I'm going to do, whether it's either just
00:33:31 --> 00:33:36 reading, sitting quietly, or maybe even doing some like yoga or stretching or
00:33:36 --> 00:33:37 something to that extent.
00:33:37 --> 00:33:42 But I just want to add, you know, because if you're like, I'm going to be this
00:33:42 --> 00:33:45 new me, I'm going to do all the things. Too hard. Too much.
00:33:46 --> 00:33:49 You got to take one tiny little thing.
00:33:49 --> 00:33:54 And if you can at least do it consistently for a week, maybe add one more thing.
00:33:55 --> 00:33:59 But, you know, and this is habit stacking all the things.
00:33:59 --> 00:34:07 And it actually, studies say, forming an actual habit takes 66 days. I know.
00:34:07 --> 00:34:12 No, I know. It takes a lot longer than people realize. And it's just,
00:34:12 --> 00:34:13 it's all about consistency.
00:34:13 --> 00:34:20 And rather than biting off the whole elephant, you're just a 1% change. Uh-huh.
00:34:21 --> 00:34:25 Can you do a 1% change for 66 days? Yeah.
00:34:25 --> 00:34:29 I think we can do that. I think most people can. I think most people can.
00:34:30 --> 00:34:33 And that's what I was talking, you know, we talked about previously about the
00:34:33 --> 00:34:35 whole New Year's resolution thing or whatever.
00:34:35 --> 00:34:42 And we're all going to do all this. Nope. We're going for just the 1% for the next 66 days.
00:34:43 --> 00:34:49 And I would encourage everybody to, even if all you can handle is 60 seconds
00:34:49 --> 00:34:52 of just quiet breathing.
00:34:52 --> 00:34:57 If that's all you've got, 60 seconds. Right, because you're not competing with anybody else.
00:34:58 --> 00:35:03 This is all about trying to improve your own quality of life and reduce your
00:35:03 --> 00:35:09 own stress levels in the ways that are most effective for you. Right.
00:35:09 --> 00:35:13 And what works for me won't work for you and vice versa. Exactly. And it takes time.
00:35:13 --> 00:35:17 You have to figure out what's going to work best for you.
00:35:17 --> 00:35:22 Because when we're all stressed out and our bodies are just freaking out,
00:35:22 --> 00:35:27 we're trying to remind our body that it's not being hunted for sport.
00:35:28 --> 00:35:32 I like to say that because my body, I'm like, hello, there is not a tiger chasing
00:35:32 --> 00:35:34 me right now. Why are you freaking out?
00:35:35 --> 00:35:41 And, you know, reminding our body, okay, safe, I'm good, I'm good.
00:35:41 --> 00:35:47 And small daily, you know, practices that are rewiring our system over time.
00:35:48 --> 00:35:52 You know, we can't just be jumping in and expecting to have it all figured out
00:35:52 --> 00:35:55 with just one tiny little thing each day.
00:35:55 --> 00:35:59 Yeah, because that causes more stress than we're trying to relieve when we put
00:35:59 --> 00:36:00 all that pressure on ourselves.
00:36:01 --> 00:36:09 So I think the moral of today's conversation is just pace yourself.
00:36:10 --> 00:36:14 You're not competing against anybody else. You're just trying to make your own
00:36:14 --> 00:36:18 life a little bit easier, just one little bit at a time.
00:36:19 --> 00:36:23 Yes. And I do want to say that if you're like, well, I don't know where to start.
00:36:24 --> 00:36:28 Even if you, a great place to start with, you know, regulating your nervous
00:36:28 --> 00:36:31 system or whatever it is, just get curious about it.
00:36:31 --> 00:36:35 Maybe start doing some research about it. Not even putting a practice into place,
00:36:36 --> 00:36:40 but even just learning about it is a great place to start.
00:36:40 --> 00:36:46 You know, just getting curious about nervous system regulation or just finding
00:36:46 --> 00:36:52 a way to calm yourself down is a great place to start as well. All right.
00:36:52 --> 00:36:55 So this is everyone's homework. If you've listened up to this point,
00:36:55 --> 00:36:59 this is your homework for this next week until our next episode.
00:37:01 --> 00:37:04 Find something that helps when you're dysregulated.
00:37:05 --> 00:37:11 When you're stressed, try and find something that actually works to help bring
00:37:11 --> 00:37:16 you down, to help stabilize you. And then...
00:37:16 --> 00:37:21 Drop us a comment. Go to our website at thesurvivors.net. Find us on one of
00:37:21 --> 00:37:27 our socials and drop us a comment and let us know what has worked for you in
00:37:27 --> 00:37:29 the past and maybe what you've,
00:37:30 --> 00:37:32 found is working for you now.
00:37:32 --> 00:37:35 Because while not everything works for everybody.
00:37:37 --> 00:37:43 It's great to be able to share ideas and kind of pick and choose what works
00:37:43 --> 00:37:46 for you based on And what you see is working for other people.
00:37:46 --> 00:37:47 So that's everyone's homework.
00:37:48 --> 00:37:53 That's awesome. And I want to share, Lisa, if you will, too,
00:37:54 --> 00:37:56 you know, what you know has worked for you in the past.
00:37:56 --> 00:37:58 What I know, without a doubt, works for me.
00:38:00 --> 00:38:03 Is grounding. If you're not familiar with that, you know, you can Google it.
00:38:03 --> 00:38:08 But just getting your feet into contact with Mother Earth, grass,
00:38:08 --> 00:38:13 dirt, whatever it is, your bare feet in contact with the earth.
00:38:13 --> 00:38:17 And then if you can throw sunlight in there on top of that, that's just icing on the cake.
00:38:17 --> 00:38:24 But even just two minutes of getting, doing some grounding, I tell you what,
00:38:24 --> 00:38:28 that just absolutely instantly makes me feel better. Yeah, yeah.
00:38:28 --> 00:38:32 For me, I mean, that definitely helps. Just being anywhere in nature helps me. It always has.
00:38:32 --> 00:38:43 But for me, it's being in a gym and moving my body and being in that place where
00:38:43 --> 00:38:48 I know I'm giving myself what my body needs.
00:38:48 --> 00:38:53 In that moment, I can kind of detach from whatever it is that I know I need
00:38:53 --> 00:38:58 to do for the day and just be in that place where all I'm thinking about is
00:38:58 --> 00:39:01 the movement that I'm doing in that moment, whether I'm, you know,
00:39:01 --> 00:39:05 doing barbell squats or whether I'm running or whatever it is that I'm doing.
00:39:06 --> 00:39:13 It's the thing, one of the things that I know I need for my own mental and physical
00:39:13 --> 00:39:16 wellness that impacts me more than I think almost anything.
00:39:17 --> 00:39:22 And when I have that, when I check that box off for the day, that sets me,
00:39:23 --> 00:39:26 on such a different path than when I don't have it.
00:39:26 --> 00:39:32 Like, I really feel the effects of not fulfilling that daily practice if something comes up.
00:39:33 --> 00:39:37 I mean, I've been totally off, you know, my routine the last two and a half
00:39:37 --> 00:39:44 months just with so much travel and family situations that we've been dealing with.
00:39:44 --> 00:39:49 And I'll tell you, I finally, you know, I'm back. I'm not going anywhere for a little while.
00:39:49 --> 00:39:55 I was at my own gym first thing this morning, And it was the best feeling to
00:39:55 --> 00:39:57 just be in your own routine.
00:39:57 --> 00:40:01 Because remember, the one thing that people tend to forget is that you're only
00:40:01 --> 00:40:03 ever one meal away from being on track,
00:40:03 --> 00:40:13 one workout away from being on track, or potentially one action away from reducing your stress.
00:40:13 --> 00:40:18 So when we think about it in those terms, it's not quite as overwhelming when
00:40:18 --> 00:40:21 we think about how to re-regulate ourselves. We can just do the thing that you
00:40:21 --> 00:40:25 know is helpful to you and you're a big step closer.
00:40:26 --> 00:40:30 Being where you want to be emotionally and physically.
00:40:31 --> 00:40:36 Absolutely. I like this conversation. I do too. Yeah. Let's have another one
00:40:36 --> 00:40:38 next week. Okay. Sounds good.
00:40:38 --> 00:40:41 I'll see you next week. Bye. Keep surviving, everybody.
00:40:43 --> 00:40:46 Thanks so much for listening and for being part of the Survivors community.
00:40:47 --> 00:40:51 No matter where you are in your story, you're not alone and you're definitely not broken.
00:40:52 --> 00:40:56 Healing takes time and it looks different for everyone. The fact that you're
00:40:56 --> 00:40:59 still here and still trying means you're already doing the hard work.
00:41:00 --> 00:41:04 If something in today's conversation resonated with you, please share it with
00:41:04 --> 00:41:06 someone who might need to hear it too.
00:41:06 --> 00:41:11 That's how we keep these conversations going and remind each other that there's always hope.
00:41:12 --> 00:41:14 And if you or someone you know is struggling, please remember,
00:41:15 --> 00:41:16 help is always out there.
00:41:16 --> 00:41:20 You can call or text 988 anytime to reach a trained crisis counselor like me.
00:41:20 --> 00:41:24 And for more mental health resources, tools, treatment options,
00:41:24 --> 00:41:28 and content to support your mental health, visit thehelphub.co.
00:41:28 --> 00:41:32 We're so grateful you're part of the Survivors family, and we'll be back next
00:41:32 --> 00:41:35 week with another honest conversation about life after the hardest things.
00:41:36 --> 00:41:40 Until then, take care of yourself and your people, and keep surviving.