*WARNING: This podcast mentions suicide & trauma and may be triggering.
Episode Summary
In this episode of The Survivors, Lisa & Natasha sit down with influencer and mental health advocate Jessica Shaker about her mental health journey, including her experiences with anxiety, depression, and inpatient care. Jessica shares her story of reaching a breaking point, the challenges she faced in seeking help, and the stigma surrounding mental health.
The conversation highlights the importance of advocacy, support, and the need for better mental health resources. Jessica's mission is to help others feel less alone and to break the stigma associated with mental health struggles. And in this conversation, Jessica shares her personal journey through mental health challenges, highlighting the importance of effective support systems and the need for advocacy in mental health policies.
Jessica talks candidly about her experiences with various programs, the role of social media in her recovery, and the significance of community support. The conversation emphasizes the need for change in how mental health resources are navigated and the importance of reminding individuals in crisis that they are not burdens.
Episode Sponsored by The HelpHUB™
Struggling with your mental health? Feeling lost, overwhelmed, or just alone? Well, you're not. Welcome to The HelpHUB™—your online destination for mental health resources, treatment options, content, and tools to help meet you exactly where you are in the moment. Visit TheHelpHUB.co to get started.
Takeaways
- The stigma around mental health can prevent people from seeking help.
- Inpatient care can be a traumatic experience but may be necessary for survival.
- The lack of support and understanding in the mental health system is concerning.
- Natural light and outdoor access are crucial for mental health recovery.
- It's crucial to have a seamless process for mental health support.
- Many individuals in crisis feel abandoned by the systems meant to help them.
- Support from loved ones can significantly impact recovery.
- Social media can serve as a platform for connection and healing.
- Navigating mental health resources can be overwhelming without guidance.
- Advocacy for better mental health policies is essential.
- The stigma surrounding mental health discussions needs to be addressed.
- Finding purpose in sharing experiences can aid in personal recovery.
- Community support is vital for those struggling with mental health issues.
- It's important to remind those in crisis that they are not a burden.
Chapters
00:00 - Introduction to Mental Health Journeys 03:10 - Jessica's Mental Health Crisis 05:46 - The Inpatient Experience 08:57 - First Day in Inpatient Care 11:49 - Daily Life in Inpatient Treatment 15:04 - Navigating Emotions and Therapy 17:59 - The Last Day and Release 20:58 - Post-Inpatient Challenges 26:46 - Navigating Mental Health Programs 32:14 - The Importance of Support Systems 39:32 - Finding Purpose Through Social Media 46:50 - Advocacy and the Need for Change
Mental Health Resources
- If you or someone you know is struggling, please call 988 for help.
- The Survivors Podcast Website – https://thesurvivors.net/
- National Domestic Violence Hotline – Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7223)
- Surviving: Finding Hope After Suicide Loss (Familius Books)
- The HelpHUB™ – Mental health resources, tools, and support networks – https://www.thehelphub.co/
- Connect with Jessica Shaker
Instagram: @jessicaglowuplivehost
TikTok: @jessicaglowuplivehost
Follow & Connect With Us
📷 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/the_survivors_podcast
🔗 LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/company/the-survivors-podcast
🎥 YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheSurvivorsPodcastChannel
🎵📱TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@thesurvivorspodcast
See you next week! In the meantime, keep surviving.
00:00:00 --> 00:00:03 Hey friends, before we dive into this week's episode, just a heads up.
00:00:04 --> 00:00:08 Our podcast talks about suicide, sexual abuse, and other trauma,
00:00:08 --> 00:00:12 and some of what you hear may be triggering. So please listen with care.
00:00:13 --> 00:00:18 This is The Survivors. Real stories, raw conversations, and the truth about
00:00:18 --> 00:00:20 what it means to keep going after the hardest things.
00:00:21 --> 00:00:24 We're so glad you're here. Let's keep surviving together.
00:00:25 --> 00:00:30 Everybody welcome to the survivors podcast i am so incredibly excited to have
00:00:30 --> 00:00:34 my dear friend jessica shaker on i met her in the amazing world of tiktok live
00:00:34 --> 00:00:38 and if you've never experienced that world it is a whole other thing,
00:00:39 --> 00:00:45 it brings together the most wonderful kind and amazing people and people that
00:00:45 --> 00:00:49 have the courage to get out there and share their story and and break the stigma
00:00:49 --> 00:00:51 of whatever it is they're talking about.
00:00:51 --> 00:00:56 I talked a lot about my grief journey. Jessica shares an amazing story that
00:00:56 --> 00:00:59 she has with her own mental health journey.
00:00:59 --> 00:01:04 And I wanted to have her on and share because I have been time,
00:01:04 --> 00:01:09 there's been times in my life where I probably should have been checked into
00:01:09 --> 00:01:10 a mental health facility.
00:01:10 --> 00:01:14 But because of all of the scary stories that I'd heard, I was afraid to go.
00:01:14 --> 00:01:17 And I somehow talked my way out of it and I didn't go.
00:01:18 --> 00:01:22 But Jessica has had the courage to share her experience of what it was like
00:01:22 --> 00:01:26 to be in a facility, and she voluntarily chose to do that.
00:01:26 --> 00:01:28 And so I wanted to introduce Jessica.
00:01:29 --> 00:01:35 Welcome. And why don't you tell us about yourself and a little bit about your story? Thank you.
00:01:35 --> 00:01:40 Yeah, thank you. Thank you so much for having me. I'm a person with anxiety
00:01:40 --> 00:01:44 and depression who two and a half years ago had a very severe mental health crisis.
00:01:45 --> 00:01:50 And so my goal now online is to help other people to know that they're not alone,
00:01:50 --> 00:01:54 to break the stigma and to raise awareness and spread hope.
00:01:54 --> 00:01:58 Because I know what it's like to be very scared and have no idea how to fix
00:01:58 --> 00:02:02 the problem that you're in and to be looking for information and to not really
00:02:02 --> 00:02:06 be able to find any firsthand accounts because so many people are scared to
00:02:06 --> 00:02:09 talk about it and don't want to admit that they've been through it.
00:02:09 --> 00:02:13 So my hope is to pay it forward and help some other people who may be in a similar
00:02:13 --> 00:02:18 boat as I was two and a half years ago. Great. That's such a powerful mission.
00:02:18 --> 00:02:23 You know, I knew, I think both Natasha and I have a similar shared mission,
00:02:23 --> 00:02:28 just taking our experiences and kind of pushing it out into the world and hoping
00:02:28 --> 00:02:31 that it resonates with people and that people can find points of connections.
00:02:31 --> 00:02:35 And like I said, before we started recording, Natasha and I realized at one
00:02:35 --> 00:02:42 point recently that we hadn't had a conversation about being on the inside because
00:02:42 --> 00:02:44 neither of us have had that experience.
00:02:44 --> 00:02:48 And so you are the person, you're the person who's going to kind of break through
00:02:48 --> 00:02:55 that into that place with us and give us that experience from your own perspective.
00:02:56 --> 00:03:01 When did you feel like something was off where you were starting to think,
00:03:01 --> 00:03:05 okay, I really think I need some help? What was going on? Yeah.
00:03:06 --> 00:03:10 So I was on a medical leave from work. Well, I guess right before that,
00:03:10 --> 00:03:15 I was at work. We had just gotten a new boss. I had had the same boss for 10 years.
00:03:15 --> 00:03:19 I was a well-loved teacher and my boss really thought very highly of me.
00:03:20 --> 00:03:24 He left. We got a new one. The new one had very high standards and my perfectionist,
00:03:24 --> 00:03:29 people-pleasing self went into super overdrive mode with my anxiety and panic
00:03:29 --> 00:03:31 wanting to impress this new boss.
00:03:31 --> 00:03:34 And despite knowing that people thought I was a good teacher,
00:03:34 --> 00:03:39 I got into my own head and I stopped eating and stopped sleeping because I was so
00:03:39 --> 00:03:43 obsessing over how can I be the best possible teacher so that any second she
00:03:43 --> 00:03:48 walks into the room, she's impressed by me and like, isn't like thinking that I'm not good enough.
00:03:48 --> 00:03:52 And like looking back, I'm like, this is ridiculous. Why was I so worried about that?
00:03:53 --> 00:03:57 But at the time it was so debilitating that I became dysfunctional to the point
00:03:57 --> 00:04:00 where I felt like I couldn't be a good teacher for my students because I was
00:04:00 --> 00:04:02 in a constant fight or flight mode.
00:04:02 --> 00:04:06 And at the time I wasn't on any type of medication and so
00:04:06 --> 00:04:12 I had gone to the doctor and gotten put on on an SSRI but it was going to take a long time to
00:04:13 --> 00:04:16 get it to work at a level where it would be effective and I felt like I didn't
00:04:16 --> 00:04:21 have that time to wait so I went on a medical leave from work and we thought
00:04:21 --> 00:04:24 that would help because I was just going to focus on getting the medication
00:04:24 --> 00:04:26 to work and then come back.
00:04:27 --> 00:04:29 But that's when I fell into a deep depression.
00:04:29 --> 00:04:33 I never really dealt with depression before, but I started to feel like an incompetent
00:04:33 --> 00:04:36 failure, like a burden, like I wasn't providing for my family.
00:04:37 --> 00:04:40 And like I was incapable of being who I wanted to be.
00:04:40 --> 00:04:45 And so then things just kind of spiraled. And I actually tried to go to inpatient
00:04:45 --> 00:04:48 two times before the third time that I actually got to go.
00:04:48 --> 00:04:52 So in the very beginning of my mental health crisis, I told my dad,
00:04:52 --> 00:04:56 take me to the ER. I knew I was having all of these suicidal thoughts and I
00:04:56 --> 00:04:58 wanted to be put in a place where I'd be kept safe.
00:04:59 --> 00:05:03 The ER evaluated me and said, like, are you going to attempt like today?
00:05:03 --> 00:05:05 And like at that moment, now that I was in the place, I was like,
00:05:06 --> 00:05:08 no, not immediately when you release me, I'm not going to.
00:05:09 --> 00:05:14 And so they sent me home. And then a few months later, I again actually got
00:05:14 --> 00:05:16 an appointment for intake for inpatient.
00:05:16 --> 00:05:21 And I was like making the choice to go. And they called me and said,
00:05:21 --> 00:05:25 we don't have any beds available. So we can do a safety assessment right now
00:05:25 --> 00:05:29 and decide whether we need to like come admit you and send you somewhere else.
00:05:30 --> 00:05:32 But are you safe right now tonight?
00:05:33 --> 00:05:37 And because I said yes, they again did not admit me.
00:05:37 --> 00:05:43 So it took me actually having a self-aborted attempt before they would actually admit me.
00:05:43 --> 00:05:47 And that makes me so mad because I was screaming for help and they could have
00:05:47 --> 00:05:51 helped me sooner. And it took getting to this space where I could have not come
00:05:51 --> 00:05:54 back from it in order for them to actually keep me safe.
00:05:55 --> 00:05:58 That is such a disappointing experience.
00:05:59 --> 00:06:02 First of all, I'm so sorry that you had to deal with that because,
00:06:03 --> 00:06:07 you know, we encourage, especially, obviously, Natasha and I as mental health
00:06:07 --> 00:06:11 advocates and any of us out there who have encountered,
00:06:12 --> 00:06:16 Anything relating to the suicide world, we're all out there encouraging,
00:06:16 --> 00:06:20 speak up, speak up, be transparent, be vulnerable, share what's going on on
00:06:20 --> 00:06:22 the inside, let people know you need help.
00:06:23 --> 00:06:25 And then you all of a sudden, you go ahead and do that thing,
00:06:26 --> 00:06:30 and the system doesn't respond in the way that it shows.
00:06:30 --> 00:06:33 So that's a complete and total failure and breakdown of the system,
00:06:34 --> 00:06:38 which is so incredibly disappointing, and I'm just so sorry that you had to go through that.
00:06:38 --> 00:06:42 Yeah, I was in. So what I was doing is I was in a partial hospitalization program,
00:06:43 --> 00:06:46 which is like a day program where you're there from like nine to three each day.
00:06:46 --> 00:06:50 I was filling out a suicide risk screener every single day.
00:06:50 --> 00:06:54 And I think they should have admitted me to inpatient. And they would just always
00:06:54 --> 00:06:57 say like, well, can we safety plan? Do we have a safety plan?
00:06:57 --> 00:06:59 We know you're going to be safe tonight. We'll see you tomorrow.
00:07:00 --> 00:07:05 And so I never got admitted. And partially, like my family was keeping me safe.
00:07:05 --> 00:07:09 They were like not letting me be home alone ever they were they knew they knew
00:07:09 --> 00:07:13 how serious it was and they were taking on that safety role but that made me
00:07:13 --> 00:07:18 feel like a burden because i felt like my family was stretched too thin trying
00:07:18 --> 00:07:19 to babysit me all the time yeah
00:07:19 --> 00:07:23 i i could definitely understand why you would feel that way that that could
00:07:23 --> 00:07:26 be overwhelming for sure to try and keep an eye on somebody so
00:07:27 --> 00:07:30 i mean hats off to your family for keeping you safe for so long,
00:07:31 --> 00:07:36 but more importantly I am so proud of you for continuing to go back and demand
00:07:36 --> 00:07:38 that you receive the help and the treatment that you,
00:07:39 --> 00:07:41 so desperately needed and deserved.
00:07:41 --> 00:07:48 So I just, that speaks to your tenacity and your commitment to making sure that
00:07:48 --> 00:07:49 you are okay for yourself.
00:07:50 --> 00:07:53 And that's not to say that I wasn't scared. I was terrified of what inpatient
00:07:53 --> 00:07:55 would be like because I had heard the stories.
00:07:55 --> 00:08:01 I had heard really horrible stories from people in PHP who had been to inpatient before PHP.
00:08:01 --> 00:08:08 And so it was scary but i also knew it was my only chance at surviving all right.
00:08:09 --> 00:08:14 That makes sense you know absolutely so walk us through that first day when
00:08:14 --> 00:08:15 you were finally admitted and,
00:08:16 --> 00:08:19 You know, walk us through the process of what that looks like,
00:08:19 --> 00:08:23 what you were feeling, what the facility felt like, what it looked like.
00:08:23 --> 00:08:27 I mean, because for me, as I said before, I should have gone many times before,
00:08:27 --> 00:08:32 but I was so terrified and I talked my way out of it multiple times.
00:08:32 --> 00:08:39 So I am curious for my own self, should it ever the need arise again?
00:08:39 --> 00:08:44 So, I mean, it was traumatizing. So I went to the ER in order to get admitted,
00:08:45 --> 00:08:49 and the ER was very clinical and I understand they have to kind of unplug from
00:08:49 --> 00:08:52 all of it and distance themselves to protect themselves.
00:08:52 --> 00:08:57 But they asked me some questions and evaluated me and decided I would go on
00:08:57 --> 00:09:02 a 5150, which in California is an involuntary hold, which is kind of hilarious
00:09:02 --> 00:09:05 because I showed up voluntarily saying, please admit me.
00:09:05 --> 00:09:10 But then I ended up on an involuntary hold, even though I wanted to be there.
00:09:10 --> 00:09:15 So whatever. It's just the paperwork of it all But basically in the ER They
00:09:15 --> 00:09:18 remove everything from the room To make sure you have nothing that can harm yourself,
00:09:19 --> 00:09:23 They take all of your belongings They even take your rings You can't even have
00:09:23 --> 00:09:25 I had to take off my wedding ring They wouldn't let me keep it.
00:09:26 --> 00:09:28 Everything Everything's gone,
00:09:29 --> 00:09:32 Then you're just playing a waiting game because they're looking for a bed for
00:09:32 --> 00:09:36 you. I knew where I wanted to go, and I luckily did end up getting to go where
00:09:36 --> 00:09:39 I wanted to go, but they're just going to send you anywhere there's an open bed.
00:09:40 --> 00:09:45 I was sitting there all day just with so much anxiety, anticipating and catastrophizing
00:09:45 --> 00:09:47 and worrying about what the experience was going to be.
00:09:47 --> 00:09:52 There was no one who came and sat with me or kind of told me what to expect.
00:09:53 --> 00:09:56 I was just kind of abandoned, and they were supervising. They kept like where
00:09:56 --> 00:10:00 they could keep constant eye contact to make sure I was safe.
00:10:00 --> 00:10:04 My husband was there with me. He brought me a little lemonade pillow that they
00:10:05 --> 00:10:07 confiscated from me once I was at inpatient.
00:10:07 --> 00:10:11 But basically I had to wait. I had to be transferred by ambulance.
00:10:11 --> 00:10:14 That's protocol. They have to put you on a gurney and they have to strap you in.
00:10:15 --> 00:10:18 They said it's typically all five straps, but they did three straps because
00:10:18 --> 00:10:20 they were like, oh, you're a cooperative patient.
00:10:20 --> 00:10:25 I had never been in an ambulance before. and my husband didn't get to come like
00:10:25 --> 00:10:29 with us, like in the ambulance. I was just taken on the gurney on my own.
00:10:29 --> 00:10:31 So that was terrifying.
00:10:32 --> 00:10:34 They rolled me in like late at night.
00:10:34 --> 00:10:40 I got off the gurney and then I was just kind of like trying to absorb everything that was happening.
00:10:40 --> 00:10:44 They kind of released me like into the living room area where lots of people were hanging out.
00:10:44 --> 00:10:48 They told me to sit in a certain chair to wait. So I'm just sitting there waiting.
00:10:48 --> 00:10:52 People are coming up to me, trying to introduce themselves to me like other
00:10:52 --> 00:10:56 patients that like want to like become my friend or have somebody to chat with
00:10:56 --> 00:11:01 and I'm just overwhelmed they take me into a room and this was the part I was terrified of
00:11:02 --> 00:11:04 is I knew they had to do like a street search to make sure you don't have any
00:11:04 --> 00:11:09 contraband and like that part I was like very scared of that was part of why
00:11:09 --> 00:11:12 I didn't want to go because I had heard horrid stories where people were sexually
00:11:12 --> 00:11:13 harassed in those situations
00:11:14 --> 00:11:18 fortunately there were two women in there it was good like they they didn't
00:11:18 --> 00:11:22 invade any of my private spaces, which is what I was afraid of.
00:11:22 --> 00:11:27 They like basically had me change out of the hospital gown that I had used at
00:11:27 --> 00:11:30 the ER and into their hospital gown. And kind of while I was doing that,
00:11:31 --> 00:11:33 that was their evaluation that I wasn't hiding anything. They'd done through
00:11:33 --> 00:11:36 my hair to make sure I didn't have anything in my hair.
00:11:37 --> 00:11:40 And then they did like basic stuff, taking my blood pressure and stuff like
00:11:40 --> 00:11:46 that and put me in a room where I talked to a psychiatrist via phone because
00:11:46 --> 00:11:50 it was late at night for them to decide what medication they were going to give me.
00:11:50 --> 00:11:52 Because I had offered to just bring my medication for them to have,
00:11:52 --> 00:11:55 but they have all the medication there. Right.
00:11:55 --> 00:11:59 And so like, they basically had me talk to a psychiatrist who was basically
00:11:59 --> 00:12:02 like, just about to offer me like anything to sleep. And I was like,
00:12:02 --> 00:12:03 can I please like take what I usually take?
00:12:04 --> 00:12:08 But so basically, they very quickly did that they handed me a piece of paperwork,
00:12:08 --> 00:12:14 that was my 5150 paperwork, explaining when I was on an involuntary hold, had me sign that,
00:12:15 --> 00:12:19 and then told me which room was my room, which was a shared room with another
00:12:19 --> 00:12:22 person who was very standoffish and didn't want to talk to me.
00:12:23 --> 00:12:28 And basically just like set me off to exist. There was nobody to compassionately
00:12:28 --> 00:12:31 talk to me about what had happened, what I had been through.
00:12:31 --> 00:12:35 I was just set off to either go hang out in a room where there was another person
00:12:35 --> 00:12:39 so that it was very awkward tension, or I could hang out in the living room
00:12:39 --> 00:12:42 where there was TV or I could go sit in a rocking chair.
00:12:42 --> 00:12:45 But pretty much in all those places, there were random people that wanted to
00:12:45 --> 00:12:47 talk to me and share their trauma with me.
00:12:48 --> 00:12:51 So I didn't have anywhere where I could just retreat and feel safe.
00:12:53 --> 00:12:56 And they take attendance about you every 15 minutes. So they're walking around
00:12:56 --> 00:12:58 marking on their phones to make sure you're safe.
00:12:59 --> 00:13:03 So there's no privacy, which is on purpose. They're keeping you safe.
00:13:03 --> 00:13:06 But I just felt like I had nowhere to just be.
00:13:08 --> 00:13:14 That's got to be such an unbelievably scary and intimidating situation.
00:13:14 --> 00:13:19 And just for clarity, Jess, can you explain to people who may not otherwise
00:13:19 --> 00:13:22 know the term 5150, that's a three-day mandatory hold, correct?
00:13:23 --> 00:13:27 So that's a 72-hour mandatory hold. Actually, in the paperwork,
00:13:27 --> 00:13:29 it says they're allowed to release you sooner if they want to.
00:13:30 --> 00:13:33 But also what they informed me of once I was there was they can extend it to
00:13:33 --> 00:13:36 two weeks if they feel that you need longer.
00:13:36 --> 00:13:39 So really, once you're there, they can do whatever they want with you.
00:13:39 --> 00:13:43 And that kind of freaked me out because I started to feel very trapped,
00:13:43 --> 00:13:47 even though I knew it was where I needed to be. I felt very disconnected because
00:13:47 --> 00:13:50 you're not allowed to have your cell phone there. So the only way I could talk
00:13:50 --> 00:13:53 to my family was on this like payphone looking thing where people were listening to me.
00:13:54 --> 00:13:57 And so I started to feel trapped and I was like, oh my gosh,
00:13:57 --> 00:14:00 what if they keep me here for two weeks? What if they keep me here for two months?
00:14:00 --> 00:14:04 And honestly, maybe I needed that. I did only stay for the three days because
00:14:04 --> 00:14:07 I wanted to get him out of there, but I probably shouldn't have stayed longer.
00:14:07 --> 00:14:11 Hmm. So did you get to sleep that night? How was the first night for you?
00:14:12 --> 00:14:17 So they did give me, they gave me Klonopid, which is a medicine that makes you drowsy.
00:14:17 --> 00:14:23 So it took me a very, very long time to fall asleep, but I was eventually able
00:14:23 --> 00:14:27 to fall asleep, even though I felt this really awkward tension because the other
00:14:27 --> 00:14:30 person in my room, like, I knew nothing about them.
00:14:30 --> 00:14:33 So I felt very uncomfortable. The sheets are like these thin,
00:14:33 --> 00:14:36 scratchy sheets because I guess they're whatever is considered safe.
00:14:38 --> 00:14:42 And as I said, they confiscated my comfort item. I had brought this fluffy lemonade
00:14:42 --> 00:14:46 pillow and they said I couldn't have it because people hide contraband in pillows.
00:14:46 --> 00:14:50 So I'm not that kind of a person. So it didn't occur to me that people would do that. So,
00:14:51 --> 00:14:57 I got through the morning and then they did have like a schedule of classes
00:14:57 --> 00:14:59 that you could go to during the daytime.
00:14:59 --> 00:15:03 So I did have a little bit of structure during the day where I could go like
00:15:03 --> 00:15:04 listen to classes about coping skills.
00:15:04 --> 00:15:09 But it was very hard because people would raise their hands and share and pretty
00:15:09 --> 00:15:12 much everybody in there had a suicide attempt story and they would go into very
00:15:12 --> 00:15:15 graphic detail, which I'm sure everybody needed to process it.
00:15:15 --> 00:15:19 But it was also like, I'm trying to hold my own stuff and I'm an empath and
00:15:19 --> 00:15:23 I care so much about everybody else. So then you start taking on everybody else's
00:15:23 --> 00:15:26 stuff and it's like, it's more traumatizing.
00:15:26 --> 00:15:28 That's incredibly triggering too.
00:15:29 --> 00:15:32 Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Depending on what you've been through. Yeah.
00:15:33 --> 00:15:37 And they did have some more relaxed stuff. They had a yoga session.
00:15:37 --> 00:15:41 So I did that. My brain was catastrophizing, panicking the entire time.
00:15:41 --> 00:15:43 I was not mindful at all, but I went to yoga.
00:15:44 --> 00:15:48 They had art therapy where you could color. One of the things that I hated was
00:15:48 --> 00:15:50 you were only allowed outside 30 minutes a day.
00:15:50 --> 00:15:53 Like it literally felt like I've never, I've never been in prison,
00:15:53 --> 00:15:56 but it felt like prison because you could only go out there when they were supervising.
00:15:56 --> 00:16:00 There was this tiny courtyard where you could walk a lap that took less than
00:16:00 --> 00:16:01 a minute to make all the way around.
00:16:02 --> 00:16:04 And you could only go out there the half hour that they opened it.
00:16:04 --> 00:16:08 And like sunshine is really good for you. Like getting out of nature is really
00:16:08 --> 00:16:11 good for your mental health. So I think that's really messed up.
00:16:11 --> 00:16:15 And like, even in my bedroom, they had, again, for safety reasons,
00:16:15 --> 00:16:19 they have these like weird, like slatted windows where you can only see out
00:16:19 --> 00:16:20 these tiny little slivers.
00:16:21 --> 00:16:26 There really was not like nice like nature to get to like go be in even though
00:16:26 --> 00:16:27 that would have been very healing,
00:16:28 --> 00:16:32 It's funny that you say that about natural light, because as I've gotten older.
00:16:33 --> 00:16:38 I've realized how important natural light is just to my day to day,
00:16:38 --> 00:16:41 my normal day to day, just kind of living my life.
00:16:41 --> 00:16:44 And I try to get outside first thing every morning. We have a little deck that
00:16:44 --> 00:16:47 I go outside and I have my coffee just to kind of get that light.
00:16:47 --> 00:16:51 And I'm always turning on all the lights in the house and love being in areas
00:16:51 --> 00:16:53 that are well lit like that.
00:16:53 --> 00:16:58 So I can't imagine being in that environment that's scary on so many levels
00:16:58 --> 00:17:03 and then also you're light deprived at the same time and you're stuck inside.
00:17:03 --> 00:17:07 I have actually the moderator for my room works in inpatient.
00:17:07 --> 00:17:09 So I've gotten to ask a lot of questions now.
00:17:10 --> 00:17:14 And what she told me is they kind of try to make it a miserable experience on
00:17:14 --> 00:17:19 purpose. Like the food's not very good. I didn't even have like basic toiletries
00:17:19 --> 00:17:21 provided until I went and asked for them like shampoo, soap.
00:17:22 --> 00:17:26 It wasn't in my room. I had to go advocate for it, I guess, because they want
00:17:26 --> 00:17:27 you to practice your advocacy skills.
00:17:27 --> 00:17:32 That's like one of the things they're looking at but they try to make it like
00:17:32 --> 00:17:36 really boring and not very fun because they don't want it to be a place you
00:17:36 --> 00:17:40 want to stay long term they want you to be motivated to get out of there and
00:17:40 --> 00:17:41 they definitely succeeded at that.
00:17:43 --> 00:17:47 Had you talked to anybody that had been there for a longer time,
00:17:48 --> 00:17:51 there were people who had been in there for longer than a month there was this
00:17:51 --> 00:17:56 one guy who was so angry because he felt like he was trapped there forever because
00:17:56 --> 00:17:59 they would let you out if you had a plan of where you were going to go.
00:17:59 --> 00:18:02 You needed like a person basically that was going to like vouch for that they
00:18:02 --> 00:18:03 were going to keep you safe.
00:18:03 --> 00:18:08 And this person had no support system and there was no plan for where he could
00:18:08 --> 00:18:12 go next. And so he just felt like he was going to be stuck there forever.
00:18:12 --> 00:18:14 I don't know how long he ended up being there because he was still there when I left.
00:18:15 --> 00:18:21 Oh shoot that's so sad yeah that's so sad so walk us through.
00:18:22 --> 00:18:24 You know the next so how many days total you were there for,
00:18:25 --> 00:18:33 so i was there for 72 hours okay okay so how were you feeling as each day went on.
00:18:34 --> 00:18:38 So unfortunately i hate like looking back i hate the way that i was feeling
00:18:38 --> 00:18:42 because i feel like it was not the way i should have been feeling but i felt
00:18:42 --> 00:18:46 like a failure because i was replaying my suicide attempt over and over and over again.
00:18:46 --> 00:18:50 And my dad had known I was suicidal and he had been very clear,
00:18:50 --> 00:18:53 like, you are going to call me before you do that. You are going to call me.
00:18:53 --> 00:18:54 I'm going to come help you.
00:18:54 --> 00:19:00 And I hadn't called him that day because the day before I had gone over asking
00:19:00 --> 00:19:05 him for help. And I had talked about how I felt like a burden because I felt
00:19:05 --> 00:19:07 like we were leaning on him so much.
00:19:07 --> 00:19:10 And my mom was dealing with my grandma who was dying of cancer.
00:19:10 --> 00:19:14 So she was like two hours away and he was feeling split because he was trying
00:19:14 --> 00:19:16 to support me and trying to support her.
00:19:16 --> 00:19:19 And he sent something that he very much regrets to this day,
00:19:19 --> 00:19:23 but he said, you're right. This is unsustainable. We can't do this forever.
00:19:23 --> 00:19:29 And so the message that I had heard was like, I can't keep struggling.
00:19:29 --> 00:19:33 And my husband actually, the reason I was at my dad's house was because my husband
00:19:33 --> 00:19:34 had basically said the same thing.
00:19:35 --> 00:19:38 My husband had sat me down and said, you're not getting better you know it's
00:19:38 --> 00:19:41 been weeks of this you're not improving you're just staying in bed all day how
00:19:41 --> 00:19:46 are you going to get better you need to get better you need to step it up and I basically told him
00:19:46 --> 00:19:50 I can't I'm doing everything the psychiatrist says everything the therapist
00:19:50 --> 00:19:54 says I'm going to this partial hospitalization program I'm not getting better
00:19:54 --> 00:19:58 it's not my fault and I can't and he's like do better he also very much regrets that,
00:19:58 --> 00:20:02 so basically I got the message from both of them that.
00:20:02 --> 00:20:04 I needed to do better and I couldn't.
00:20:05 --> 00:20:10 And then my therapist that weekend had canceled because she wasn't feeling well,
00:20:10 --> 00:20:12 which again, like I totally respect that.
00:20:12 --> 00:20:16 But it was just like this series of events where a bunch of things happen on
00:20:16 --> 00:20:21 top of each other, where I felt like everyone was going to be better off without me.
00:20:21 --> 00:20:27 So then when I was in, inpatient, I felt like, oh my gosh, I've made this huge mistake.
00:20:27 --> 00:20:29 Is my husband going to want to divorce me?
00:20:29 --> 00:20:32 Is he going to stay with me? Am I going to have a place to live?
00:20:32 --> 00:20:34 Is my family going to abandon me?
00:20:34 --> 00:20:38 Is anybody going to still show up for me and I just going to be perceived as
00:20:38 --> 00:20:42 a failure the rest of my life and so I got it in my head that I had to apologize
00:20:42 --> 00:20:46 to my family and I had to make it right to them and so I was very much like feeling,
00:20:47 --> 00:20:50 like I kept telling myself and this is ridiculous now but like I kept telling
00:20:50 --> 00:20:54 myself impatient is a punishment you feel like you're in prison because this
00:20:54 --> 00:20:58 is your punishment for what you did and I basically told myself you have one
00:20:58 --> 00:21:01 chance to make it right you have one chance to get out of here and prove to them
00:21:02 --> 00:21:05 that you're a good person and that you're worth it and that you deserve to be in their life.
00:21:05 --> 00:21:10 And so you have to just go survive and never attempt again, because that's the
00:21:10 --> 00:21:14 only way that your life is going to exist where you have a family.
00:21:15 --> 00:21:19 And they didn't put any of that on me. They still loved me. They still wanted
00:21:19 --> 00:21:22 to support me. They stayed by me, but it was what I put on myself.
00:21:23 --> 00:21:29 Well, that's so hard. That just speaks to everybody's inner critic and the capacity
00:21:29 --> 00:21:37 that we all have when we're at a low point to really spin whatever narrative gets into our head.
00:21:37 --> 00:21:41 We spin that up and we're our own worst enemy. And when you're sitting there
00:21:41 --> 00:21:45 in a hospital with all this unlimited time and nothing to do whatsoever,
00:21:45 --> 00:21:50 but just like keep recycling the same thought narrative, you're stuck there.
00:21:51 --> 00:21:56 And you have no one, you don't have the You don't have the connection to those
00:21:56 --> 00:22:00 people who you're so worried about more than maybe a phone call here,
00:22:00 --> 00:22:02 a phone call there. They're not there with you.
00:22:03 --> 00:22:08 So you're left in your own head to think these thoughts. And that has to be.
00:22:08 --> 00:22:12 Absolutely terrifying and you probably you can't get away from it so it's just
00:22:12 --> 00:22:14 kind of self-fulfilling,
00:22:14 --> 00:22:19 you just keep spinning it up it's like the worst way to be anxious is to just
00:22:19 --> 00:22:22 be your by yourself and spiraling which is basically what you're left to do.
00:22:23 --> 00:22:28 All day I would call I called by well so I called my husband but he had just
00:22:28 --> 00:22:32 started a new job and I felt like a burden that he was having to take care of
00:22:32 --> 00:22:33 the kids without me and so I was
00:22:33 --> 00:22:38 trying to not be like too needy for him because he had a lot on his plate
00:22:38 --> 00:22:42 and I called my parents and my mom was willing to talk to me but I asked to
00:22:42 --> 00:22:46 talk to my dad and my dad refused to take the phone and I think that's what
00:22:46 --> 00:22:49 perpetuated this idea that I thought that like I was a failure to him
00:22:50 --> 00:22:54 he tells me it was just such a serious situation and he was just so
00:22:54 --> 00:22:59 lost and didn't know what to say and just just just couldn't deal with it and
00:22:59 --> 00:23:02 so that's why he didn't take the phone and I told him now I'm like even if you
00:23:02 --> 00:23:04 said nothing even if you just held the phone.
00:23:04 --> 00:23:06 That would have been better than
00:23:06 --> 00:23:09 than nothing because the silence like really put me in my own head but
00:23:09 --> 00:23:13 so I didn't have very many people to talk to I know that there were some people
00:23:13 --> 00:23:17 who had a phone number for their therapist who were able to like call their
00:23:17 --> 00:23:21 outside therapist although I think you can't bill your outside therapist
00:23:21 --> 00:23:24 if you have insurance if you're already billing inpatient so it's complicated
00:23:25 --> 00:23:28 but my therapist that I had at the time was through better health and so I always
00:23:28 --> 00:23:30 did video sessions and I didn't on my phone.
00:23:30 --> 00:23:33 And so I had no way to talk to her. And I think they should,
00:23:33 --> 00:23:38 they should assign you like a hour long session with a one-on-one therapist
00:23:38 --> 00:23:41 in there, but that didn't exist. She did have a nurse that checked in on you
00:23:41 --> 00:23:45 mostly about medications and a little bit of check-in about just how are you doing?
00:23:45 --> 00:23:48 But there was no, like, I thought somebody was going to sit with me and like
00:23:48 --> 00:23:52 problem solve and like help me figure out like how I was going to solve this.
00:23:52 --> 00:23:57 And I had a psychiatrist that took like 10 minutes to try to understand my story
00:23:57 --> 00:24:00 and then was like rushing me out of the room so he could get to the next patient.
00:24:01 --> 00:24:04 And so I didn't really feel understood or like anybody actually wanted to know
00:24:04 --> 00:24:08 my story or actually wanted me to truly be able to figure out how to get better.
00:24:09 --> 00:24:12 I'm stunned by that. I really am. I am too. Like everything you're saying to
00:24:12 --> 00:24:16 me right now just kind of reinforces why I never wanted to go.
00:24:17 --> 00:24:22 But I will tell you, like, as much as I have so much trauma from it and I like
00:24:22 --> 00:24:27 replay it constantly, I still would make the same choice to go again if I had to.
00:24:27 --> 00:24:31 Because without it, I'd be dead. Right? So, like, yes, it was traumatic.
00:24:31 --> 00:24:34 I hated it. I have a lot of, like, horrible memories of it.
00:24:35 --> 00:24:38 But it kept me alive. And ultimately, that's what I needed. it.
00:24:39 --> 00:24:46 Okay. So walk us through the last day where you were released and what happened from there.
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00:25:14 --> 00:25:19 content you need in the moment without having to dig through endless tabs or start from scratch.
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00:25:36 --> 00:25:40 So basically, in order to get released, you had to circle on the form that you
00:25:40 --> 00:25:42 were not having any suicidal ideation.
00:25:43 --> 00:25:47 I really wanted out of there. So I circled that I was not having any suicidal ideation.
00:25:48 --> 00:25:52 I was still having plenty. I lied to get out of there because it felt like a prison.
00:25:52 --> 00:25:57 And I also felt like I was creating a burden for at the time I had a five year old and a three year old.
00:25:57 --> 00:26:01 And I felt like it was a burden on my parents. It was a burden on my husband.
00:26:02 --> 00:26:06 And so I felt like I needed to get out so I could go be mom and take care of
00:26:06 --> 00:26:09 the kids, even though I was not really in a medical headspace to be doing that.
00:26:10 --> 00:26:16 So I got out of there at my 72 hours and I felt I was lying to basically because
00:26:16 --> 00:26:21 I was told that they were going to get me into PHP again, the partial hospitalization program.
00:26:21 --> 00:26:23 And so I was expecting that. I had
00:26:23 --> 00:26:28 met a lot of people in PHP who had done inpatient and stepped down to PHP.
00:26:28 --> 00:26:32 And that's a support network. I knew I had a place that I was going to go that
00:26:32 --> 00:26:36 knew me that could support me And so I thought I had a plan.
00:26:36 --> 00:26:40 That is why I left thinking I was going to be safe And the social worker told
00:26:40 --> 00:26:45 me she was like, well, I couldn't set it up for you directly because you've been in php before
00:26:45 --> 00:26:49 So just when you get out, you need to call this number they need to do a new
00:26:49 --> 00:26:53 intake appointment and then they'll get you in so I get released and.
00:26:53 --> 00:26:58 And I call them. They tell me the next intake appointment is in a week.
00:26:59 --> 00:27:04 And then once I go through the intake process, then it takes another week before
00:27:04 --> 00:27:06 they're even going to offer me a space.
00:27:07 --> 00:27:12 And so I'm floundering because for two weeks, I now have nothing.
00:27:13 --> 00:27:16 I advocate. I call them multiple times on the phone and I explain the situation.
00:27:16 --> 00:27:18 I say, hey, I was already in this program.
00:27:19 --> 00:27:21 I just got an invitation. I need something now.
00:27:21 --> 00:27:24 And what they say to me, they say, if it's severe enough that you need something
00:27:24 --> 00:27:25 now, you can go back to inpatient.
00:27:26 --> 00:27:30 And they basically told me they considered me a failure of the PHP program because
00:27:30 --> 00:27:35 there's a safety plan in that program. And I wasn't able to follow the safety plan.
00:27:35 --> 00:27:38 So they didn't believe that their program was going to support me.
00:27:38 --> 00:27:41 So they wanted to give priority to other patients who hadn't had a turn yet
00:27:42 --> 00:27:47 rather than me. So ultimately, what I ended up doing is I talked to a social
00:27:47 --> 00:27:50 worker that my primary care physician connected me with.
00:27:50 --> 00:27:56 And she sent me a list of all these other PHP programs, and we found a different one.
00:27:56 --> 00:28:01 And I got admitted quicker into this other new program than the one that I originally had been into.
00:28:02 --> 00:28:06 So I ended up doing an entirely different program, because this other program
00:28:06 --> 00:28:09 basically abandoned me and just just like left me to be like,
00:28:09 --> 00:28:14 whatever happens to you happens to you. And I was so abandoned.
00:28:14 --> 00:28:19 I'm dumbfounded. I'm dumbfounded. And I think I want to mention this because
00:28:19 --> 00:28:24 of what we're talking about specifically, this kind of point in your whole journey here.
00:28:25 --> 00:28:29 And I'm speaking now from the point of view of someone who is on crisis lifelines
00:28:29 --> 00:28:33 and dealing with people who have suicidal ideation and who are sometimes mid-attempt
00:28:33 --> 00:28:34 or contemplating an attempt to...
00:28:36 --> 00:28:44 It is proven to be true that people are at the highest risk of hurting themselves,
00:28:44 --> 00:28:50 taking their life, self-harming, whatever it is that they had been doing or contemplating,
00:28:50 --> 00:28:53 as soon as they're released from a facility.
00:28:53 --> 00:29:00 So you were in kind of that bubble where you were at your most vulnerable.
00:29:00 --> 00:29:06 And it's infuriating to think that you were not only that you were turned away from that.
00:29:08 --> 00:29:12 Partial program, but that you were in a headspace.
00:29:12 --> 00:29:15 We all know that when someone, you think about when someone is in a normal,
00:29:15 --> 00:29:20 like I'm just stressed from my normal day today as a mom or a wife or a human,
00:29:20 --> 00:29:25 your capacity is diminished to kind of like figure shit out, take care of yourself.
00:29:25 --> 00:29:32 You were left in a situation of the utmost concern where you were,
00:29:32 --> 00:29:36 would you say, pretty challenged to kind of,
00:29:37 --> 00:29:40 figure out your next steps in the mindset that you were in is that fair to say
00:29:41 --> 00:29:44 i can i can barely barely function and the fact that like i was supposed to like
00:29:45 --> 00:29:48 call different places and figure out who takes my insurance like that's what
00:29:48 --> 00:29:52 the social worker should have set up for me like it should have been the appointment
00:29:52 --> 00:29:56 and they do like they did book my psychiatrist appointment like for me like
00:29:56 --> 00:29:58 they made sure that was set up which i appreciated
00:29:58 --> 00:30:02 but like that should have been a seamless process because anyone who's struggling
00:30:02 --> 00:30:04 doesn't have the energy or the
00:30:04 --> 00:30:08 mental capacity or focused to be able to navigate figuring all this out.
00:30:09 --> 00:30:12 I ended up also having to do like disability paperwork to try to get paid.
00:30:12 --> 00:30:14 And I did eventually get that.
00:30:14 --> 00:30:17 But trying to navigate figuring out disability paperwork while you're struggling,
00:30:17 --> 00:30:22 like you can't even eat or sleep or get out of bed, but you have to figure out
00:30:22 --> 00:30:24 how to do disability paperwork.
00:30:24 --> 00:30:28 So I think there's a lot of improvement that could come to it.
00:30:28 --> 00:30:32 And that's why I tell people in my live room, I say, if you're not struggling
00:30:32 --> 00:30:36 right now, I want you to go look up what partial hospitalization program,
00:30:36 --> 00:30:38 what IOP program, what is out there in your area.
00:30:39 --> 00:30:42 Learn it now. Get it written down somewhere. Put it somewhere where you know you can reference it.
00:30:43 --> 00:30:46 Because when you end up in that headspace, you don't have the energy to do any of it.
00:30:48 --> 00:30:50 That's really great advice, Jess. I love that.
00:30:51 --> 00:30:58 Nobody has ever said that to me before. And so I will take you up on that advice
00:30:58 --> 00:31:02 and go look that up. Because that's part of why I quit doing TikTok Lives in
00:31:02 --> 00:31:04 January. Because I did get in a dark place.
00:31:05 --> 00:31:10 And I would say like the PHPs and IOPs are such good like in between.
00:31:10 --> 00:31:13 Because they're not you're trapped in prison. You get to go home each day.
00:31:14 --> 00:31:16 But it's still a high level of support.
00:31:16 --> 00:31:19 Tell people just what IOP is in case they don't know.
00:31:20 --> 00:31:24 Intensive outpatient programs. So it's usually like three hours a day, four days a week.
00:31:25 --> 00:31:29 And they have some in person and some online. And basically these programs are
00:31:29 --> 00:31:32 all just doing kind of group therapy, teaching you coping skills.
00:31:32 --> 00:31:35 A lot of the ones that I've done teach you CBT and DBT.
00:31:36 --> 00:31:39 And then they'll also have you meet with a psychiatrist like twice a week.
00:31:39 --> 00:31:43 And they'll help you like adjust medications. And they usually do blood work
00:31:43 --> 00:31:45 too to check if there's anything else going on.
00:31:45 --> 00:31:49 One of the things I didn't like about that was that I already had an outside
00:31:49 --> 00:31:52 psychiatrist that actually I think had a good plan. It was just going to take some time.
00:31:53 --> 00:31:57 And then when I was in the PHP and when I was an inpatient, I was required to
00:31:57 --> 00:32:00 work with a psychiatrist from their facility, which makes sense.
00:32:01 --> 00:32:03 But like there was no collaboration. I would have loved if they could talk to
00:32:03 --> 00:32:05 each other, but they didn't.
00:32:05 --> 00:32:09 And so I felt like, OK, now there's some other random person managing my meds.
00:32:10 --> 00:32:13 It's just too many cooks in the kitchen, too many people making decisions.
00:32:13 --> 00:32:18 Yeah, it's a very, very broken system. This is just more evidence to me that
00:32:18 --> 00:32:23 it is a very, very broken system and why we need people like you who are out
00:32:23 --> 00:32:27 there, who have had the experiences, who have lived through.
00:32:27 --> 00:32:29 That whole routine of,
00:32:30 --> 00:32:35 Checking yourself in and being evaluated and being a patient so that you can give some clarity.
00:32:35 --> 00:32:39 Like, we're not trying to blow sunshine here for anybody and try to convince
00:32:39 --> 00:32:42 people that it's not traumatic.
00:32:42 --> 00:32:46 I mean, unfortunately, there is no way around the fact that it is traumatic,
00:32:46 --> 00:32:53 but it's far less traumatic than the outcome of staying mentally unwell and
00:32:53 --> 00:32:55 trying to live your life that way.
00:32:55 --> 00:32:57 I mean, that's why you said like,
00:32:57 --> 00:33:00 yeah, I've got some PTSD where this is concerned, but it saved my life.
00:33:00 --> 00:33:06 And at the end of the day, that's the thing that we are out here sharing.
00:33:06 --> 00:33:09 That's the reason why we're out here sharing, saying that, yeah,
00:33:09 --> 00:33:13 these things are big and awful and scary in so many different ways and intimidating.
00:33:13 --> 00:33:21 And yet, they also, when you can navigate them, they can be lifelines and they
00:33:21 --> 00:33:27 can save your life. And in your case, it saved your life, which we're all very, very glad.
00:33:27 --> 00:33:30 Thank you. I wish there was a way that you could know for sure what facility
00:33:30 --> 00:33:33 you were going to, because that was one of my biggest fears is I had heard horror
00:33:33 --> 00:33:35 stories of other facilities.
00:33:35 --> 00:33:37 And I was like, oh, my gosh, what if they made it one of those?
00:33:37 --> 00:33:40 You know, places where they would pin you down and give you medication that
00:33:40 --> 00:33:42 you didn't want, like that kind of thing.
00:33:43 --> 00:33:47 And that didn't happen to me, thank goodness. Yeah, fortunately.
00:33:47 --> 00:33:48 That's one of the scary things about it.
00:33:50 --> 00:33:54 So what kind of habits, boundaries, things do you have in place for yourself,
00:33:55 --> 00:33:59 since coming, you know, since that experience? And what have you continued to
00:33:59 --> 00:34:01 do to take care of yourself?
00:34:02 --> 00:34:07 So after I got out, everyone took me way more seriously, which drives me nuts.
00:34:07 --> 00:34:11 But my psychiatrist, who had been like slowly working me up on my Zoloft,
00:34:12 --> 00:34:16 like suddenly like was like, OK, this is actually severe. We need to see what we can.
00:34:16 --> 00:34:20 And I had told her I had suicidal thoughts. But like, but like she took me way more seriously.
00:34:20 --> 00:34:25 So she applied for me to get TMS transcranial magnetic stimulation,
00:34:25 --> 00:34:28 which treats with anxiety and depression.
00:34:28 --> 00:34:33 And so we got a prior authorization for my insurance. And I did the full 36
00:34:33 --> 00:34:36 sessions, which is like 30 minutes a day, 36 different days.
00:34:37 --> 00:34:43 And that was life changing, life saving for me, where I had to fill out the
00:34:43 --> 00:34:46 pH nine and GAD seven every day that I was there.
00:34:46 --> 00:34:51 And when I started my scores were literally the worst they could be like 100
00:34:51 --> 00:34:56 the worst numbers and by the time I got to the end of it like six weeks later,
00:34:56 --> 00:35:00 I was circling zeros I wouldn't say I'm a zero now I'll be honest and say I'm
00:35:00 --> 00:35:04 like probably like a nine or a twelve but like I'll take it right.
00:35:04 --> 00:35:08 Um but it was life-changing,
00:35:09 --> 00:35:12 and I think part of it is that it's so spread out over all these sessions that
00:35:12 --> 00:35:16 every single day you're getting out of the house you're going somewhere making
00:35:16 --> 00:35:21 a conscious choice to do something that you know is going to make you better
00:35:21 --> 00:35:24 and so I think that was a big part of it was like that commitment
00:35:24 --> 00:35:27 I think it actually does work I think it really does work with the neural pathways
00:35:28 --> 00:35:31 but I also think there was also a placebo effect of me just like feeling like
00:35:32 --> 00:35:34 okay I'm doing this thing that's going to help me,
00:35:34 --> 00:35:39 And it really helped. It gave me the confidence to be able to go back to work
00:35:39 --> 00:35:44 and to not be flooded by anxiety and to find my voice and be able to speak up for myself.
00:35:46 --> 00:35:51 And so initially, my approach to work was that I needed to go back because I
00:35:51 --> 00:35:55 thought that going back to teaching would make me feel like I was competent,
00:35:55 --> 00:35:59 like I was capable, like I wasn't a burden, like I was providing for my family.
00:35:59 --> 00:36:03 And so I kind of needed that victorious feeling of coming back and knowing what
00:36:03 --> 00:36:06 I was doing and being able to do it. And I did it and I did it well.
00:36:08 --> 00:36:13 But for a long time, it was what coping skills can I use in order to deal with
00:36:13 --> 00:36:17 a very toxic and stressful environment at work, but still be okay.
00:36:17 --> 00:36:21 And so I was going to weekly therapy and of course, continuing with my anxiety
00:36:21 --> 00:36:26 and depression medication and trying to make these adjustments about having
00:36:26 --> 00:36:30 better work-life balance, unplugging from my email at home,
00:36:30 --> 00:36:32 leaving at a reasonable hour, and I was like,
00:36:32 --> 00:36:37 So I was doing all that kind of stuff and I was getting by, but I felt like
00:36:37 --> 00:36:42 I was just like wandering, like through like a big current of constant anxiety
00:36:42 --> 00:36:46 and stress and like just trying to survive all the time.
00:36:46 --> 00:36:50 And so, but I never, I never felt like I had a way out. Like I went to college
00:36:50 --> 00:36:54 to be a teacher. I didn't feel like I had any other option of anything that was going to pay well.
00:36:54 --> 00:36:59 And then TikTok just kind of happened. And initially it was just kind of a hobby
00:36:59 --> 00:37:03 and then it became a side hustle. And I'm definitely not monetizing well enough
00:37:03 --> 00:37:05 to replace my teaching job.
00:37:05 --> 00:37:09 But I'm hoping that if I give it a year, maybe I can get there.
00:37:09 --> 00:37:12 And my husband has given me his blessing for me to do that.
00:37:13 --> 00:37:16 And initially, when I had wanted, I wanted to quit my job two and a half years ago.
00:37:16 --> 00:37:18 And my husband was like, No, you have to work, you have to work,
00:37:19 --> 00:37:23 because I had no plan. But like now he totally supports my plan,
00:37:23 --> 00:37:25 because he can see how passionate I am about it.
00:37:25 --> 00:37:28 And he can see that I'm so much happier now.
00:37:28 --> 00:37:32 Like I finally, like for years, I was not cooking dinner either.
00:37:32 --> 00:37:35 He was cooking or we were having frozen food or we were getting takeout.
00:37:35 --> 00:37:39 I'm actually preparing meals that involves like chopping vegetables.
00:37:39 --> 00:37:46 Now I was not exercising because like I had no energy. I was just surviving and exercising again.
00:37:46 --> 00:37:50 I was not going outside. I'm sitting outside intentionally to eat lunch now.
00:37:50 --> 00:37:55 Like I love it. I just, I like, I feel happy again and yes i'm making way less money but,
00:37:56 --> 00:38:01 like you can't put a price tag on that to be a priority amen amen so so i tell
00:38:01 --> 00:38:04 people all the time i'm like we we have a mortgage i don't know if we're going
00:38:04 --> 00:38:07 to continue to be able to pay it depending on how tiktok does but like,
00:38:08 --> 00:38:12 i will sooner move into like renting an apartment than go back to that job.
00:38:13 --> 00:38:19 Good i am so proud of you for for knowing that and and sticking up for yourself and there's this like,
00:38:20 --> 00:38:25 There's a perception amongst teachers that like, we're in it for the kids and the kids deserve it.
00:38:25 --> 00:38:29 And we should self sacrifice ourselves for them because they deserve it.
00:38:29 --> 00:38:34 And so it's really hard to leave and not totally offend all of my colleagues
00:38:34 --> 00:38:37 because they're like, fighting through it. And they're like,
00:38:37 --> 00:38:40 everyone's barely surviving. People are going to therapy and taking medication
00:38:40 --> 00:38:44 and like, just trying to get by and they're like, cloundering.
00:38:44 --> 00:38:47 But they're staying because they feel like that's the right thing to do.
00:38:47 --> 00:38:51 And so I think I think it's really weird to them that I'm leaving because they're
00:38:51 --> 00:38:54 like, why can't you just fight through it? Why can't you just keep?
00:38:54 --> 00:38:57 And I'm like, well, I could, but my quality of life stinks.
00:38:58 --> 00:39:03 Well, not every mindset is right for everybody. That's what that means.
00:39:03 --> 00:39:08 And I have to say, I give you a lot of credit for even earning a dollar on TikTok.
00:39:09 --> 00:39:14 Any amount of money earned on social media, that is something to celebrate.
00:39:14 --> 00:39:20 And the fact that it could approach replacing your salary, like, good for you.
00:39:21 --> 00:39:26 That's just huge. and the fact that you're doing what gives you joy and what
00:39:26 --> 00:39:32 clearly has allowed you to reclaim your life and have a different mission.
00:39:33 --> 00:39:36 I love it. I support it in every possible way and think it's amazing.
00:39:36 --> 00:39:39 I want to ask a question about social media and about TikTok.
00:39:40 --> 00:39:49 So were you on TikTok? Did your whole TikTok world begin after all of this?
00:39:50 --> 00:39:55 After your issues, your mental health, I was a user of tick tock during my crisis.
00:39:55 --> 00:39:58 So during my crisis, what I would do is I would doom scroll the FYP because
00:39:58 --> 00:40:01 I was in bed all day, I couldn't convince myself to get out of bed.
00:40:01 --> 00:40:05 So I was scrolling watching videos that were pretty much all about depression
00:40:05 --> 00:40:10 and anxiety, because that was very related to some of them, I'm sure just made it worse.
00:40:10 --> 00:40:14 But there were certain creators who were talking about their survival stories
00:40:14 --> 00:40:18 that like had gotten through it, and we're now speaking out about it publicly.
00:40:19 --> 00:40:23 And that definitely was one of the things that kept me thinking like maybe there's
00:40:23 --> 00:40:25 hope that things could get better and so,
00:40:26 --> 00:40:31 I had used TikTok but never as a creator and then once I started to feel better
00:40:32 --> 00:40:35 I needed kind of an outlet to process everything that I had been through.
00:40:36 --> 00:40:41 I needed a way to talk about it and I needed to not be hiding it because carrying it alone was too much
00:40:41 --> 00:40:46 and a lot of my friends in real life even if they meant well weren't capable
00:40:46 --> 00:40:49 of having the conversation or avoided it or were too triggered or didn't know
00:40:49 --> 00:40:51 what to say. So they said nothing at all.
00:40:51 --> 00:40:56 So I felt really like alone and isolated and abandoned. And I couldn't really
00:40:56 --> 00:40:59 find like an in-person support group. There was one offered,
00:40:59 --> 00:41:01 but it didn't work with my work schedule.
00:41:02 --> 00:41:06 So I really, I couldn't find anywhere where I was going to be able to process
00:41:06 --> 00:41:07 this with other people who understood.
00:41:08 --> 00:41:12 And so TikTok ended up being the place where I could find other people who I
00:41:12 --> 00:41:16 was like, Oh, my gosh, like, you've been through a similar thing, you get it.
00:41:16 --> 00:41:19 And you're willing to talk about it. And the fact that you can say it out loud,
00:41:19 --> 00:41:24 and you actually still have followers. So people must not think that you're a failure and a burden.
00:41:25 --> 00:41:29 And so that, that was very healing for me. And so I feel very validated being
00:41:29 --> 00:41:35 able to talk to other people who are willing to listen and who see me as strong rather than weak.
00:41:36 --> 00:41:39 For what I for what I've been through, but it's very hard on TikTok,
00:41:39 --> 00:41:42 like I ended up on TikTok, just kind of because that's just where I ended up,
00:41:43 --> 00:41:46 but TikTok has very strict community guidelines that makes it,
00:41:46 --> 00:41:50 pretty impossible like the way that i have shared on here i cannot share on
00:41:50 --> 00:41:54 tiktok because i can't say the word suicide on tiktok no you cannot
00:41:54 --> 00:41:59 you have to very carefully dance around it and it really irritates me because
00:41:59 --> 00:42:01 how are we going to break the stigma when we can't talk about it
00:42:01 --> 00:42:07 we talk about that constantly on this podcast and we call out tiktok constantly
00:42:07 --> 00:42:10 on this podcast because and that's the generation we're actually
00:42:10 --> 00:42:16 really trying to reach and that's the generation that they're preventing us from reaching?
00:42:16 --> 00:42:21 So one of my goals, I am trying very, very hard to get an invitation to TikTok headquarters.
00:42:21 --> 00:42:25 There's a variety of different competitions amongst live hosts to get those invitations.
00:42:26 --> 00:42:28 I don't know when I'll get it, but I am determined I'm going to get it at some
00:42:28 --> 00:42:31 point. And when I get it, and when I get to sit down in a chair and they're
00:42:31 --> 00:42:34 going to interview me about what I do on live, I'm going to give them a piece
00:42:34 --> 00:42:37 of my mind and I'm going to try to do some advocacy about like,
00:42:37 --> 00:42:40 you know what? Talking about suicide doesn't cause suicide.
00:42:41 --> 00:42:44 It might actually save someone's life. I can't tell you how many people have
00:42:44 --> 00:42:47 come into my room and said that they didn't know the 988 phone number existed.
00:42:48 --> 00:42:52 I was the first person who mentioned it to them. Also, I can't even I used to
00:42:52 --> 00:42:56 have a banner in the back of my like live like that just said 988 on it.
00:42:56 --> 00:43:01 They now have a policy that you cannot redirect to any other phone numbers because
00:43:01 --> 00:43:03 that is redirecting off of TikTok.
00:43:03 --> 00:43:07 And so even though they recommend 988 for people who are in crisis,
00:43:08 --> 00:43:12 they say they will not push out my room if I have a phone number on my banner.
00:43:12 --> 00:43:16 So I can't even have it back there So I constantly, I say it out loud I put
00:43:16 --> 00:43:20 it in the chat, but it's just like You guys need to do better.
00:43:20 --> 00:43:24 Yeah. Yes. That's the bottom line. We do us a favor. Jess, we do us a big favor.
00:43:24 --> 00:43:28 When you win that invitation, and I have absolutely no doubt whatsoever that
00:43:28 --> 00:43:32 you will, will you conference us into that meeting, please?
00:43:32 --> 00:43:35 Because we have a lot we want to talk to TikTok about.
00:43:35 --> 00:43:38 Right, right. There's a lot. And it's hard. It's hard because usually you can
00:43:38 --> 00:43:39 only talk to robots on TikTok.
00:43:39 --> 00:43:43 Like usually you can't get like to talk to a real life person about anything.
00:43:43 --> 00:43:46 So I'm excited that maybe one day I'll be able to get their ear.
00:43:46 --> 00:43:50 Because basically I did actually, I got to do like a one-on-one talking to somebody
00:43:50 --> 00:43:54 who works for TikTok, like on a, like a separate Zoom call and just to get advice
00:43:54 --> 00:43:58 on being a live host. And I told them this, I said, like, I can't get the 988 thing up there.
00:43:58 --> 00:44:02 And they basically said, yeah, it's because an AI is monitoring it and they
00:44:02 --> 00:44:03 don't know the difference of it.
00:44:03 --> 00:44:06 And they told me, they were like, we'll see if like, maybe somebody can put
00:44:06 --> 00:44:10 it into the chat. And I was thinking like, yeah, that's a workaround,
00:44:10 --> 00:44:14 but like, don't you have the power to go talk to the higher ups to like actually
00:44:14 --> 00:44:16 fix it? Not just give me a workaround.
00:44:16 --> 00:44:18 And they told me again, like with the suicide stuff, they're like,
00:44:18 --> 00:44:21 well, well, you can say other things. You can say like, you know,
00:44:22 --> 00:44:26 didn't want to be here anymore. And I'm just like, come on, guys,
00:44:26 --> 00:44:29 come on. No, they have to do better work to do.
00:44:29 --> 00:44:33 Yeah, we do. But we're all doing it together. So hopefully many voices will
00:44:33 --> 00:44:36 create one very loud voice that's impossible to ignore.
00:44:37 --> 00:44:41 And typically, I like to use like my short form videos to advocate for various
00:44:41 --> 00:44:42 things that I believe in.
00:44:42 --> 00:44:46 And I still try to do that around these topics, but I have to dance around the
00:44:46 --> 00:44:48 words because otherwise I get a violation.
00:44:49 --> 00:44:54 And so I have to be very careful. And then also they have this policy that things
00:44:54 --> 00:44:58 that they consider to be behavioral health are not pushed onto the
00:44:59 --> 00:45:03 FYP for the general public because they consider it an 18 plus topic,
00:45:03 --> 00:45:08 which is ridiculous because plenty of teenagers are suicidal and deal with depression
00:45:08 --> 00:45:09 and anxiety. Even kids do.
00:45:09 --> 00:45:17 Is it that the largest growing statistic is children like 8 to 13 or something?
00:45:18 --> 00:45:21 So, so they'll like, they'll push it to people. Like if you're,
00:45:21 --> 00:45:25 if you're TikTok friends with them, it can show up in their feed because you're
00:45:25 --> 00:45:28 connected as friends, but just for the general public, because they're worried
00:45:28 --> 00:45:29 about triggering people.
00:45:29 --> 00:45:33 And I get the whole, like, let's not trigger people, but also it's like,
00:45:33 --> 00:45:36 it's education and it's not causing it. It's educating.
00:45:36 --> 00:45:39 And I get that. We don't want to like, just, just trigger people.
00:45:39 --> 00:45:44 I get that. But, but there's gotta be some, some way that those videos get pushed
00:45:44 --> 00:45:47 out. Cause I've noticed if I use too many mental healthish words,
00:45:47 --> 00:45:51 like if I use the words depression, like they're not going to push it out.
00:45:51 --> 00:45:53 My views are like taint. Hmm.
00:45:54 --> 00:45:58 That's well, we have we have work to do, ladies. That's all that that means to me.
00:45:58 --> 00:46:02 Well, keep a list going, Jess. And when you get to TikTok, I I'm going to be
00:46:02 --> 00:46:06 cheering you on. And and I know I know for a fact you're going to give me a
00:46:06 --> 00:46:09 piece of your mind. And I'm so proud of you. Same here. Same here.
00:46:10 --> 00:46:15 I have every intention of building out into other platforms and other ways of
00:46:15 --> 00:46:17 sharing my story and getting my voice out there.
00:46:17 --> 00:46:20 I just haven't had the time to do it yet because I was working a full time job
00:46:20 --> 00:46:22 as a teacher until about four weeks ago.
00:46:22 --> 00:46:25 So I'm just trying to build my TikTok and then I want to build,
00:46:26 --> 00:46:28 I mean, I think most platforms probably have similar rules that are going to
00:46:28 --> 00:46:32 make it difficult, but I want to continue to figure out how to,
00:46:33 --> 00:46:35 I would love to be able to speak uncensored.
00:46:35 --> 00:46:38 And that is what I love about podcasts like this because nobody's telling me
00:46:38 --> 00:46:39 I can't say certain things.
00:46:39 --> 00:46:43 Well, we are going to tell you to come here and say all the things using all
00:46:43 --> 00:46:48 the words. You can say the S word all day long here because we support it.
00:46:48 --> 00:46:53 Listen, we want to do whatever we can possibly do to get people connected to
00:46:53 --> 00:46:56 you and to amplify your voice.
00:46:56 --> 00:47:01 That's, you know, that's why we wanted you here to amplify your voice and your
00:47:01 --> 00:47:04 mission, which is such a shared mission with our own.
00:47:04 --> 00:47:09 And so as we're kind of wrapping up this conversation, where can people find
00:47:09 --> 00:47:12 you? Where, I mean, I know you're on TikTok, obviously predominantly,
00:47:12 --> 00:47:14 I'm sure you're on the other socials as well.
00:47:15 --> 00:47:18 And your info will be in the show notes, of course, where people can reach you,
00:47:18 --> 00:47:24 but tell everybody where they can reach you in all the places you want to be reached.
00:47:25 --> 00:47:29 Sure, yeah. So my handle is at Jessica Glow Up Live Host, and it's the same
00:47:29 --> 00:47:32 handle on TikTok, Instagram, and YouTube.
00:47:32 --> 00:47:36 And I haven't really gotten Facebook up and running yet, but those other three,
00:47:36 --> 00:47:39 you can find me there. I would love for you to connect. And then if anybody
00:47:39 --> 00:47:43 wants to have me on their podcast, jessicaglowuplivehost at gmail.com.
00:47:43 --> 00:47:46 I would love to just speak to more communities.
00:47:46 --> 00:47:51 That is fantastic. We will be pushing that out every which way that we possibly can.
00:47:52 --> 00:47:58 And now, Nash, I want to make sure that you have the last word here because
00:47:59 --> 00:48:03 you were the person who graciously invited Jessica, saw her.
00:48:03 --> 00:48:08 You knew her before I knew her. So I'm going to let you kind of close it out
00:48:08 --> 00:48:13 with whatever question you think should be the right question to kind of cap the conversation.
00:48:13 --> 00:48:17 I guess one of the biggest questions that I have had, Jess, because you've been
00:48:17 --> 00:48:20 through it, you've, I mean, just an amazing journey.
00:48:21 --> 00:48:27 What advice would you give to loved ones who is supporting someone in crisis? Great question.
00:48:28 --> 00:48:33 Tell them constantly that they are not a burden, that you are happy to help
00:48:33 --> 00:48:36 them so that they know that that's okay.
00:48:36 --> 00:48:41 And just start showing up, doing things for them. Don't wait for them to ask
00:48:41 --> 00:48:43 because they don't have the energy to ask and they feel like a burden.
00:48:43 --> 00:48:44 So they're not going to ask.
00:48:45 --> 00:48:48 So helping with child care, helping with meals, helping with laundry,
00:48:48 --> 00:48:52 cleaning the house, anything that is going to take something off of that person's
00:48:52 --> 00:48:58 plate to just let them just be and just to remind them constantly that they are enough.
00:48:58 --> 00:49:01 Because I was feeling like a failure every day for staying in bed all day.
00:49:02 --> 00:49:05 And I was feeling like there's so much that I'm falling behind on that I'm not doing.
00:49:06 --> 00:49:08 So if there's somebody that could literally just look at me and say,
00:49:08 --> 00:49:11 I got it. I am happy to do the childcare. I'm happy to cook the food.
00:49:11 --> 00:49:13 I am happy to do the laundry.
00:49:13 --> 00:49:18 All you need to do is concentrate on getting better. And that is enough. And I am proud of you.
00:49:19 --> 00:49:23 That would be so helpful. Perfect. That's absolutely perfect.
00:49:23 --> 00:49:27 I've got nothing else. Can't compete with that. That was the best message we could possibly share.
00:49:27 --> 00:49:32 Jess, thank you, thank you, thank you for being here, for being so open and
00:49:32 --> 00:49:37 vulnerable and, you know, doing the hard thing, which is to share a part of
00:49:37 --> 00:49:42 your life that was not easy to navigate, but you did it and you're on the other side of it.
00:49:42 --> 00:49:46 And I hope, I know that this conversation is going to resonate with people and
00:49:46 --> 00:49:51 going to help people. So we just really appreciate you and we want to support
00:49:51 --> 00:49:55 you in any way we can. So the survivors, we are behind you all the way.
00:49:56 --> 00:50:02 And we will be sharing you far and wide. So thank you for being here.
00:50:02 --> 00:50:06 And to everybody who hung in and listened to this conversation,
00:50:06 --> 00:50:09 reach out to Jess. I'm sure she'd love to hear from you if you have questions
00:50:09 --> 00:50:11 that maybe we didn't ask.
00:50:12 --> 00:50:16 And we will be back. We will be back one week from today.
00:50:16 --> 00:50:20 And in the meantime, you know what to do. Keep surviving, friends. Take care.
00:50:21 --> 00:50:25 Thanks so much for listening and for being part of the Survivors community.
00:50:25 --> 00:50:29 No matter where you are in your story, you're not alone and you're definitely
00:50:29 --> 00:50:33 not broken. Healing takes time and it looks different for everyone.
00:50:34 --> 00:50:38 The fact that you're still here and still trying means you're already doing the hard work.
00:50:39 --> 00:50:43 If something in today's conversation resonated with you, please share it with
00:50:43 --> 00:50:44 someone who might need to hear it too.
00:50:45 --> 00:50:49 That's how we keep these conversations going and remind each other that there's always hope.
00:50:50 --> 00:50:53 And if you or someone you know is struggling, please remember,
00:50:53 --> 00:50:54 help is always out there.
00:50:54 --> 00:50:59 You can call or text 988 anytime to reach a trained crisis counselor like me.
00:50:59 --> 00:51:03 And for more mental health resources, tools, treatment options,
00:51:03 --> 00:51:06 and content to support your mental health, visit thehelphub.co.
00:51:07 --> 00:51:10 We're so grateful you're part of the Survivors family, and we'll be back next
00:51:10 --> 00:51:14 week with another honest conversation about life after the hardest things.
00:51:14 --> 00:51:19 Until then, take care of yourself and your people, and keep surviving.