*WARNING: This podcast mentions suicide, sexual abuse, domestic abuse & trauma and may be triggering.
Episode Summary
What happens when you finally escape an abusive relationship—only to find yourself facing cancer in the middle of rebuilding your life? In this episode of The Survivors, we sit down with Beany Trapani, founder of Breakthroughs With Beany, to talk about leaving a 10-year abusive relationship, breaking trauma bonds, surviving breast cancer, and learning how to trust herself and reclaim her identity again.
Beany also shares how telling her story online unexpectedly went viral, building a powerful community on Instagram and TikTok and turning her lived experience into a mission to help other women rebuild after abuse and life’s hardest transitions. It’s an honest conversation about survival, starting over, finding your voice, and discovering who you are on the other side of what tried to break you.
Episode Sponsored by The HelpHUB™
Struggling with your mental health? Feeling lost, overwhelmed, or just alone? Well, you're not. Welcome to The HelpHUB™—your online destination for mental health resources, treatment options, content, and tools to help meet you exactly where you are in the moment. Visit TheHelpHUB.co to get started.
Takeaways
- Abuse can happen to anyone, regardless of background or strength.
- Recognizing the cycle of abuse and trauma bonds is crucial for breaking free.
- Social media can be a powerful tool for awareness and support.
- Healing is possible through self-awareness, support, and advocacy.
- Sharing your story can empower others and create change.
Chapters
00:00 - Introduction to Beany Trapani's story 01:55 - Her background and life before abuse 07:08 - The cycle of abuse and grooming tactics 14:59 - Recognizing the early signs of an unhealthy relationship 20:07 - The escalation to violence and control 33:56 - The turning point: cancer diagnosis and escape 43:01 - The power of social media in her advocacy 55:00 - Helping other women and spreading awareness 01:04 - How to find support and take the first step 01:11 - The importance of resilience and purpose 01:13 - Closing thoughts and message of hope
Mental Health Resources
- If you or someone you know is struggling, please call 988 for help.
- The Survivors Podcast Website – https://thesurvivors.net/
- National Domestic Violence Hotline – Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7223)
- Surviving: Finding Hope After Suicide Loss (Familius Books)
- The HelpHUB™ – Mental health resources, tools, and support networks – https://www.thehelphub.co/
- Beany Trapani on TikTok
- Beany Trapani on Instagram
- YouTube Channel - Breakthroughs with Beany
Follow & Connect With Us
📷 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/the_survivors_podcast
🔗 LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/company/the-survivors-podcast
🎥 YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheSurvivorsPodcastChannel
🎵📱TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@thesurvivorspodcast
See you next week! In the meantime, keep surviving.
00:00:00 --> 00:00:03 Hey friends, before we dive into this week's episode, just a heads up.
00:00:04 --> 00:00:08 Our podcast talks about suicide, sexual abuse, and other trauma,
00:00:08 --> 00:00:12 and some of what you hear may be triggering. So please listen with care.
00:00:12 --> 00:00:17 This is The Survivors, real stories, raw conversations, and the truth about
00:00:17 --> 00:00:20 what it means to keep going after the hardest things.
00:00:21 --> 00:00:24 We're so glad you're here. Let's keep surviving together.
00:00:25 --> 00:00:28 Before we get rolling, we just want to let you know that this episode includes
00:00:28 --> 00:00:32 a conversation about domestic abuse and may be difficult or triggering for some listeners.
00:00:33 --> 00:00:37 So please take care of yourself as you listen and pause or step away if you need to.
00:00:38 --> 00:00:40 Of course, it's really helpful if I actually bring my microphone to a place
00:00:40 --> 00:00:45 where people can hear me. We're wondering where it was. I know.
00:00:46 --> 00:00:50 We say all the time on the pod that we're all surviving something.
00:00:50 --> 00:00:55 That's kind of the thing that we always say. But sometimes, in certain cases,
00:00:55 --> 00:01:00 survival is not about getting through one thing, one hard thing.
00:01:00 --> 00:01:05 Sometimes it's just, life just keeps coming at you.
00:01:05 --> 00:01:08 And in the case of our guest today,
00:01:10 --> 00:01:14 she knows exactly what it means to have life hit you from all sides all at once.
00:01:15 --> 00:01:20 Beanie Trapani, whose name I absolutely love and adore, Beanie spent a decade
00:01:21 --> 00:01:27 in a very abusive relationship that she says slowly, tell me if this is right
00:01:27 --> 00:01:29 or wrong, stripped away the sense of who you were.
00:01:30 --> 00:01:35 Absolutely. Yeah. During those years, you were isolated. I know you were isolated from family.
00:01:36 --> 00:01:46 You and I and you tried multiple times to leave and you were stuck in a bad situation.
00:01:46 --> 00:01:51 And then right in the midst of all that, all this chaos and all this domestic
00:01:51 --> 00:01:55 violence, you were diagnosed with breast cancer, which was like to the head,
00:01:55 --> 00:02:00 to the gut, which we just are so sorry that you had to deal with all of that,
00:02:00 --> 00:02:01 especially all at the same time.
00:02:02 --> 00:02:06 But your story is not just about what happened to you, it's about what you did
00:02:06 --> 00:02:10 for yourself and now what you're doing for other people. But we're going to
00:02:10 --> 00:02:13 let you tell your own story, Beanie.
00:02:13 --> 00:02:15 Welcome to the pod. We're really glad you're here.
00:02:16 --> 00:02:20 Thank you. Thank you so much for this and for everything that you're doing for mental health.
00:02:21 --> 00:02:25 You guys are great. So I really appreciate you having me on your podcast.
00:02:26 --> 00:02:29 Our pleasure. Absolutely our pleasure. Before we get into your story,
00:02:30 --> 00:02:36 and I know that there's a lot to unpack, we just kind of like to start by asking
00:02:36 --> 00:02:40 you who you are, like who's underneath all the stuff that you're going to talk about today.
00:02:40 --> 00:02:48 Just tell us who you are right now, today, and then we can talk about who you were then in a bit. Yeah.
00:02:48 --> 00:02:53 Yeah. So I would say that I am a compassionate learner.
00:02:55 --> 00:02:58 I struggle with this question sometimes because I know a lot of people identify
00:02:58 --> 00:03:04 themselves with, you know, I'm a mother, I'm a wife, and I want to expand that
00:03:04 --> 00:03:07 and feel like I am so much more than all of those things.
00:03:08 --> 00:03:14 And being a learner of who I am is probably at the forefront of that.
00:03:14 --> 00:03:17 So, yeah, I think, you know, my story,
00:03:18 --> 00:03:22 it's important to give you a little bit of backstory about, you know, kind of,
00:03:22 --> 00:03:27 where I come from, because, you know, I want to kind of blow up that stereotype
00:03:27 --> 00:03:32 of, you know, the battered woman who many believe, you know,
00:03:32 --> 00:03:37 came from an abusive upbringing or is uneducated.
00:03:38 --> 00:03:43 Who is, you know, financially insecure, or maybe just repeating patterns.
00:03:44 --> 00:03:48 And that is not my story. My story is very different than that.
00:03:48 --> 00:03:50 And I was none of those things.
00:03:51 --> 00:03:56 I grew up in a loving home with a very strong, hardworking mother and two siblings.
00:03:56 --> 00:04:00 And I married my high school sweetheart, who was, you know, a good guy,
00:04:00 --> 00:04:07 maybe not my good guy, but he was a good guy, nonetheless. And I was I was educated.
00:04:09 --> 00:04:13 I taught first grade before I was a stay-at-home mom to my two boys.
00:04:14 --> 00:04:19 And, you know, I had a supportive family and group of friends and I led playgroups
00:04:19 --> 00:04:24 and served on the PTA and, you know, all the things, baseball board,
00:04:24 --> 00:04:26 you know, fundraisers. You get the idea, right?
00:04:27 --> 00:04:32 Yeah. And I'm really glad that you're saying this because people can often be
00:04:32 --> 00:04:35 put into buckets like that when they're in certain situations.
00:04:35 --> 00:04:39 So I think it's really important that you clarified that and I appreciate that you did it.
00:04:39 --> 00:04:45 Yeah, yeah. And, you know, later on, I became a personal trainer and I taught boxing.
00:04:46 --> 00:04:50 And I was, you know, stronger than most of the women and some of the men that
00:04:50 --> 00:04:53 I knew. And I knew how to defend myself.
00:04:53 --> 00:05:01 And I spent a decade trapped in a vicious cycle of abuse with an extremely dangerous man.
00:05:02 --> 00:05:05 And, you know, that decade, you know,
00:05:05 --> 00:05:10 like you said, I felt isolated and disempowered and really just stuck.
00:05:11 --> 00:05:15 And so I guess what I kind of want your listeners to get from my story is that
00:05:15 --> 00:05:19 not only does abuse not discriminate,
00:05:19 --> 00:05:28 but we as survivors all have the ability to kind of reconnect with our own inner strength,
00:05:28 --> 00:05:33 our own resilience, and really our life experience and our wisdom.
00:05:34 --> 00:05:41 And that's my hope, is that people who are listening will kind of extract their
00:05:41 --> 00:05:44 own strength and resilience and wisdom.
00:05:44 --> 00:05:47 Thank you for sharing that. I really, really appreciate you.
00:05:47 --> 00:05:50 That is exactly what we hope our listeners get from this.
00:05:52 --> 00:05:56 And I really relate when you said that you didn't want you want to be identified
00:05:56 --> 00:06:01 as a mother, just the one things that, you know, there's small parts of who we are as women.
00:06:01 --> 00:06:06 And women are so multifaceted and multitaskers and all the things.
00:06:06 --> 00:06:10 And I just really appreciate you sharing all those beautiful parts of yourself.
00:06:11 --> 00:06:13 Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
00:06:14 --> 00:06:18 We know who you are. We know who you aren't. Take us back.
00:06:19 --> 00:06:22 Take us back. Dive in. Just let's just, if you're ready, let's just go for it
00:06:23 --> 00:06:28 and dive in and talk about kind of, you said that you were married to a great
00:06:28 --> 00:06:33 guy, good guy, just not the great guy for you, which I really appreciate the way that you say that.
00:06:34 --> 00:06:39 Take us back to kind of when you realized that you needed to move on from that
00:06:39 --> 00:06:42 and then where you moved to and the rest of it just kind of comes naturally.
00:06:43 --> 00:06:49 Yeah, you know, my husband and I had a loss many years into our marriage,
00:06:49 --> 00:06:51 and we lost our third son.
00:06:51 --> 00:06:57 His name was Trace. And what I found out about myself was that I didn't really
00:06:57 --> 00:07:00 have the emotional tools to process that loss.
00:07:00 --> 00:07:04 And everything for me kind of split.
00:07:04 --> 00:07:10 It was before that loss and after that loss. And I was grieving in a way that
00:07:10 --> 00:07:16 I did not understand. And I don't think I ever really fully found my way back
00:07:16 --> 00:07:19 into the marriage after that loss.
00:07:19 --> 00:07:25 And so a few years later, my boys were kind of getting older and they didn't
00:07:25 --> 00:07:28 need me in the same way that they had needed me before.
00:07:29 --> 00:07:32 And the playgroups ended and the volunteering at school ended.
00:07:32 --> 00:07:38 And I was kind of faced with that question of who am I when nobody needs me?
00:07:40 --> 00:07:43 And I struggled with my self-confidence.
00:07:43 --> 00:07:52 And so in the midst of attempting to remedy that, I became a member at a specialty
00:07:52 --> 00:07:56 boxing gym in hopes that I could get kind of some of that confidence back.
00:07:57 --> 00:08:03 And this is kind of where the cycle of abuse began for me.
00:08:03 --> 00:08:06 Unbeknownst to me, I was being studied.
00:08:06 --> 00:08:08 I was being groomed.
00:08:09 --> 00:08:14 A man in the gym, he was learning all the things that I wanted and the things
00:08:14 --> 00:08:20 that I feared and what made me valuable and all the things that I was missing in my life.
00:08:21 --> 00:08:26 And what he was doing was he was getting ready to kind of weaponize some of
00:08:26 --> 00:08:28 the best qualities about me.
00:08:28 --> 00:08:35 Qualities like maybe patience and my givingness and my compassion and my forgiveness.
00:08:35 --> 00:08:40 And this man was an instructor at the gym and he was,
00:08:41 --> 00:08:47 very charismatic and confident and funny and athletic and he was respected and
00:08:47 --> 00:08:52 he was a black belt in jujitsu which becomes important later in,
00:08:53 --> 00:08:59 in my story but he held a position of authority in the gym and people listened
00:08:59 --> 00:09:01 to him and and i trusted him.
00:09:01 --> 00:09:07 And then cue kind of the love bombing. And this is kind of going to be a crash
00:09:07 --> 00:09:10 course, I guess, on the cycle of abuse here.
00:09:11 --> 00:09:15 Can I interrupt to ask one quick clarifying question that I know the answer
00:09:15 --> 00:09:19 to, but I think might help for the future of this story? Yeah.
00:09:20 --> 00:09:23 You were on the West Coast at this time, correct? Yes. Okay.
00:09:24 --> 00:09:29 Pay attention, everybody, because when this story starts, Beanie was on the
00:09:29 --> 00:09:31 West Coast. Okay. Yes. Yes.
00:09:32 --> 00:09:35 I was in San Diego. I owned a home there. I raised my children there.
00:09:35 --> 00:09:38 My family is there. So yes, San Diego.
00:09:39 --> 00:09:44 And so I joined this gym. And like I said, my confidence was pretty low.
00:09:44 --> 00:09:48 And, you know, this man kind of began to pay very close attention to me.
00:09:49 --> 00:09:55 And he remembered all the things that I told him and he contacted me constantly.
00:09:55 --> 00:10:00 He, you know, he squeezed me into his schedule. He complimented me.
00:10:00 --> 00:10:04 He told me I was special. He said, you know, that, that he had never had a client like me.
00:10:05 --> 00:10:09 And, you know, he showed me all those five love languages, you know,
00:10:09 --> 00:10:14 attention and affection and gifts and acts of service, you know, all the things.
00:10:15 --> 00:10:20 And he seemed very interested in where I was and what I was doing,
00:10:20 --> 00:10:22 you know, how I was feeling at every moment.
00:10:23 --> 00:10:28 And it felt great. You know, those were all things that I hadn't had.
00:10:29 --> 00:10:36 And so, you know, ultimately, at first, that attention was very flattering and
00:10:36 --> 00:10:39 it felt protective and it felt like connection.
00:10:39 --> 00:10:45 But eventually it became, you know, surveillance on his part and control.
00:10:45 --> 00:10:47 But it happened very slowly.
00:10:48 --> 00:10:54 And so by the time the attention changed, I was already very emotionally invested.
00:10:57 --> 00:11:02 And I talk about this because many people don't believe that adults can be groomed.
00:11:03 --> 00:11:07 And it's a word that people often associate only with children.
00:11:07 --> 00:11:12 But that is not the case. Grooming is a very gradual process of,
00:11:12 --> 00:11:19 like, creating trust and emotional independence and obligation and access.
00:11:20 --> 00:11:25 And an abusive person learns all those things. You know, what do you need?
00:11:25 --> 00:11:27 What are you missing? What do you want to hear?
00:11:28 --> 00:11:32 What makes you feel important? What kind of future do you want?
00:11:32 --> 00:11:38 And they position themselves as the person who can give you all those things. And so for me.
00:11:40 --> 00:11:46 He became that person for me. He also became my trainer. I lost weight with him.
00:11:48 --> 00:11:51 My entire body changed. My confidence grew.
00:11:51 --> 00:11:56 In the midst of all of that, he, of course, took credit for my transformation,
00:11:56 --> 00:12:05 and I began to kind of associate him with the version of myself that I was proud of.
00:12:06 --> 00:12:11 And, you know, he helped me kind of get my first job as a personal trainer and
00:12:11 --> 00:12:16 kind of break into that industry You know, he asked me for help with his own
00:12:16 --> 00:12:19 training and his injuries And, you know,
00:12:20 --> 00:12:23 there was always something that he needed from me.
00:12:24 --> 00:12:31 And for me, that felt great. You know, I was his go-to person and it made me feel valuable.
00:12:32 --> 00:12:38 And, you know, he also, and this is very interesting, he also shared very painful
00:12:38 --> 00:12:43 stories about his own childhood and, you know, previous relationships.
00:12:43 --> 00:12:47 And he cried with me and he appeared to be vulnerable.
00:12:48 --> 00:12:53 He described himself as someone who, you know, who was misunderstood and mistreated
00:12:54 --> 00:12:55 all throughout his life.
00:12:55 --> 00:12:58 This is like a master class in manipulation.
00:12:58 --> 00:13:04 It really, I'm listening to this. And for anyone who isn't seeing my face right
00:13:04 --> 00:13:05 now, you're listening to the audio.
00:13:06 --> 00:13:10 I don't think that I flinched in the last five minutes because this is really,
00:13:10 --> 00:13:17 truly such an interesting window into the capacity of one person to manipulate another.
00:13:18 --> 00:13:19 I'm just, I'm just bounded by it.
00:13:21 --> 00:13:28 Unfortunately, yeah. Unfortunately, he, he was masterful at it and I was not the first person.
00:13:28 --> 00:13:32 And unfortunately, I'm not the last person that he has done this to.
00:13:33 --> 00:13:37 But ultimately, you know, my empathy took over. I began believing that underneath
00:13:37 --> 00:13:41 his, you know, his anger, because he did have a little, you know,
00:13:42 --> 00:13:46 a streak of, you know, tantrums and anger that would show up.
00:13:47 --> 00:13:51 But I believed that like his anger and his instability was like a wounded person
00:13:51 --> 00:13:57 who needed someone strong like me enough to like love him through it.
00:13:58 --> 00:14:03 And he was not only, you know, creating an emotional attachment with me,
00:14:04 --> 00:14:08 but he was making me feel like I was responsible for him. Yeah.
00:14:09 --> 00:14:13 Can I ask a question? So I know I know that you were together for 10 years.
00:14:13 --> 00:14:17 The relationship lasted 10 years.
00:14:17 --> 00:14:24 At what at what point do you remember like, oh, this is not normal?
00:14:24 --> 00:14:32 Or was there like one particular interaction or moment or scary situation?
00:14:32 --> 00:14:36 What kind of flipped the switch and you were like, this isn't right?
00:14:36 --> 00:14:41 Looking for mental health resources that actually fit who you are and where you come from?
00:14:41 --> 00:14:45 Then you need to check out the Help Hub. It's not another generic wellness site.
00:14:45 --> 00:14:51 It's a free, inclusive online platform built for real people living real lives.
00:14:51 --> 00:14:58 People managing stress anxiety depression trauma and abuse grief or suicide loss,
00:14:59 --> 00:15:03 at the help hub you'll find the resources tools treatment options and trauma-informed
00:15:03 --> 00:15:09 content you need in the moment without having to dig through endless tabs or start from scratch,
00:15:09 --> 00:15:14 it's your place to land to take a breath and to find exactly what you need when
00:15:14 --> 00:15:19 you need it most visit the help hub.co where the help you need is just a click away.
00:15:25 --> 00:15:30 Yeah, you know, it happened fairly early on, unfortunately.
00:15:30 --> 00:15:35 And I remember, I don't remember what the fight was, but I do remember him like
00:15:35 --> 00:15:41 slamming a door and him telling me, fuck you. And,
00:15:44 --> 00:15:48 I had never really said that to another person before, and certainly not somebody that I loved.
00:15:49 --> 00:15:54 And so I remember feeling like, huh, that feels like extreme.
00:15:55 --> 00:16:00 And I tried to break it off with him many times. And, you know,
00:16:00 --> 00:16:02 he laughed at me every time I did it.
00:16:02 --> 00:16:07 Every time I tried to break it off, he would laugh and then he would pursue me harder.
00:16:08 --> 00:16:14 And in my fragile, you know, I hesitate to say broken, but, you know,
00:16:14 --> 00:16:16 I was a little broken at the time.
00:16:16 --> 00:16:24 I, there were so many things that I was missing in my life that I kind of ate
00:16:24 --> 00:16:28 up that, you know, when, when he pursued me, I was like, oh,
00:16:28 --> 00:16:30 like that feels really good.
00:16:30 --> 00:16:33 Now it's like, you know, it makes me want to puke, but.
00:16:36 --> 00:16:39 But, but yeah, that was kind of, you know, where the trauma bond began.
00:16:39 --> 00:16:45 It actually happened pretty early on where I felt really bonded to him right away.
00:16:45 --> 00:16:51 And, and I guess, you know, I guess that the next thing to talk about is a trauma
00:16:51 --> 00:16:53 bond and what that means. Mm-hmm.
00:16:54 --> 00:17:01 And for those who don't know, it's a bond that forms when a relationship repeatedly
00:17:01 --> 00:17:03 moves between pain and relief.
00:17:04 --> 00:17:12 And there may be fear and conflict and manipulation and rejection and instability.
00:17:12 --> 00:17:20 And then there is an apology and affection and attention and hope or a promise
00:17:20 --> 00:17:22 that something will change.
00:17:23 --> 00:17:30 And the same person who causes the pain also becomes the person who temporarily relieves it.
00:17:31 --> 00:17:37 And that is the definition of a trauma bond. And it's one hell of a bond, let me tell you.
00:17:38 --> 00:17:43 There is. And it can happen in all, between parents and a child, siblings.
00:17:44 --> 00:17:49 I know for an absolute fact there is severe trauma bonds between my siblings
00:17:49 --> 00:17:51 and I to survive what we did.
00:17:52 --> 00:17:59 Definitely trauma bonded to my mother. And it has been absolutely like hell to break that bond.
00:18:00 --> 00:18:04 Yeah, it really is. Because she's my mother, I don't know that I'll ever be
00:18:04 --> 00:18:06 able to fully sever that connection.
00:18:07 --> 00:18:14 Understandably. Understandably. I mean, I do think that in familial situations,
00:18:14 --> 00:18:16 that trauma bond is even harder to break.
00:18:16 --> 00:18:21 And let me tell you, for me, you know we we weren't married we didn't have property
00:18:21 --> 00:18:24 we didn't have children together and so,
00:18:25 --> 00:18:29 luckily for me that made it a little bit easier where I could you know kind
00:18:29 --> 00:18:33 of remove myself but it was it was rough,
00:18:34 --> 00:18:40 over time yeah was there anybody early on a friend or a family member even your
00:18:40 --> 00:18:42 children that were like mom,
00:18:42 --> 00:18:47 this this this relationship isn't healthy what's going on And did anybody recognize
00:18:47 --> 00:18:50 that early on and say something to you? Okay. Yep.
00:18:54 --> 00:18:58 The blinders were on. Nobody knew him the way I knew him. Nobody understood
00:18:58 --> 00:19:01 him the way I understood him.
00:19:01 --> 00:19:04 And they didn't see the same things that I saw.
00:19:05 --> 00:19:09 So yeah, that is a great question. But, you know, I'm a pretty stubborn girl
00:19:09 --> 00:19:12 and I'm going to do what I'm going to do and nobody is going to tell me.
00:19:13 --> 00:19:18 Yeah. And I know that even working with women that I work with now,
00:19:19 --> 00:19:24 I understand that likely there is nothing that I'm going to say that is going
00:19:24 --> 00:19:27 to make you make that decision.
00:19:27 --> 00:19:31 You ultimately have to come to it on your own. And that was definitely the case for me.
00:19:32 --> 00:19:35 I had to live all the bullshit.
00:19:35 --> 00:19:39 And it had to play out that way for me because nobody was going to tell me.
00:19:40 --> 00:19:43 Tell me if I'm right or wrong. I have not had this experience before.
00:19:43 --> 00:19:46 So I'm relying on you and your experience.
00:19:47 --> 00:19:50 Somebody in that situation, like who was like you at the time,
00:19:50 --> 00:19:53 who didn't want to hear it, didn't want to acknowledge it.
00:19:53 --> 00:19:59 Can you say now looking back like hindsight, that it was in part because almost
00:19:59 --> 00:20:02 like when you pull one thread, everything unravels?
00:20:03 --> 00:20:06 Did you know that if you pulled the thread, it would unravel?
00:20:06 --> 00:20:11 And also, too, did you have just that continuous hope that, okay,
00:20:12 --> 00:20:14 he'll change, he'll change, it will get better.
00:20:14 --> 00:20:18 He'll start to put his money where his mouth is and things will be different.
00:20:18 --> 00:20:22 Was it kind of those two things happening? Yeah, absolutely.
00:20:22 --> 00:20:31 I absolutely held out hope for him to become a man that honestly, I never really saw.
00:20:31 --> 00:20:35 Like, it was like a made up version of who I thought he could be.
00:20:36 --> 00:20:38 And he showed me glimmers of.
00:20:38 --> 00:20:45 But ultimately, I held out so much hope that he would be different.
00:20:45 --> 00:20:52 And really what I thought, I thought, you know what, I'm going to model what I want from him.
00:20:53 --> 00:20:59 And he'll see that this is an easier way to deal with conflict.
00:20:59 --> 00:21:02 And so I kept thinking, I'm going to model the right thing to do.
00:21:03 --> 00:21:05 And then he's going to be like, oh, and he'll follow suit.
00:21:06 --> 00:21:11 Didn't happen. Didn't happen. So, so you're with him.
00:21:12 --> 00:21:15 Things are obviously very up, very down.
00:21:16 --> 00:21:21 At what point did things kind of switch to a violent place?
00:21:22 --> 00:21:26 Yeah, again, even even the violence happened fairly early. You know,
00:21:26 --> 00:21:33 I think the first the first violence that he kind of put on me was he he spit at me.
00:21:34 --> 00:21:39 And that was something that happened periodically for the entire 10 years.
00:21:39 --> 00:21:45 But you know like I said like that trauma bond you know I was so fearful too
00:21:45 --> 00:21:52 like that the the fear of of what he would do to me I was afraid of like ringing
00:21:52 --> 00:21:54 the bell that I couldn't unring,
00:21:55 --> 00:22:00 so that kept me from calling the police and it kept me from telling other people
00:22:00 --> 00:22:04 because I thought you know if I call the police like how do I come back from that,
00:22:04 --> 00:22:07 that means there's no chance for us anymore.
00:22:07 --> 00:22:11 So, you know, our bond is still very, very strong.
00:22:11 --> 00:22:17 And, you know, my, and my brain is, you know, it's connecting him with both danger and comfort.
00:22:18 --> 00:22:26 And, and so, you know, I would say within six months, maybe even sooner,
00:22:27 --> 00:22:30 there were some like physical altercations with him.
00:22:32 --> 00:22:37 You know, I remember one one incident where he locked me out of the house and
00:22:37 --> 00:22:41 I spent so much time in my car I would sleep in my car overnight in random neighborhoods
00:22:41 --> 00:22:43 because I was afraid to come home
00:22:44 --> 00:22:49 But one night I decided I was going to come home and he had locked all the all
00:22:49 --> 00:22:51 the doors in the house and I couldn't get in He like,
00:22:52 --> 00:22:55 you know put a chair under the door so that I couldn't open it,
00:22:56 --> 00:23:01 And I open the door and ultimately he's behind the door and attacks me from
00:23:01 --> 00:23:03 behind but there were like,
00:23:04 --> 00:23:08 A million there are a million things that that he did that.
00:23:09 --> 00:23:15 At first, in the beginning, I'd say maybe the first, maybe the first three to
00:23:15 --> 00:23:19 five years, he, he would apologize.
00:23:19 --> 00:23:23 And there would be that like honeymoon phase after a big blow up.
00:23:24 --> 00:23:31 And so my little system was just always chasing that honeymoon phase. Right.
00:23:32 --> 00:23:37 And, you know, I, it was, it was just such a mind fuckery, you know,
00:23:37 --> 00:23:42 one, one day I'm the greatest woman. he's ever met. And the next day I'm lazy
00:23:42 --> 00:23:47 and old and too emotional and out of touch and not good enough.
00:23:47 --> 00:23:52 And so he would do things like humiliate me in public.
00:23:53 --> 00:23:57 And then later he would praise me in public. And he would threaten to leave
00:23:57 --> 00:24:01 and then tell me that I was the only woman that he ever truly loved.
00:24:01 --> 00:24:07 And so it just was this constant back and forth that my brain just couldn't,
00:24:08 --> 00:24:11 You know, it was so inconsistent. And I guess.
00:24:14 --> 00:24:18 That's kind of the word that I would use with abuse is inconsistency.
00:24:18 --> 00:24:24 It's like it's the number one thing that keeps your brain stuck.
00:24:25 --> 00:24:28 And that inconsistency is it's called intermittent reinforcement.
00:24:29 --> 00:24:35 And, you know, it's kind of the same psychological principle of like gambling.
00:24:37 --> 00:24:40 And you just don't, you don't know when the reward is coming,
00:24:40 --> 00:24:45 but you keep trying, right? Because the one time you stop is the time that it would have happened.
00:24:46 --> 00:24:53 Yeah. Yes, exactly. Exactly. So is there particular incidents or moment where
00:24:53 --> 00:24:56 you realized, I've had enough, this is it?
00:24:56 --> 00:25:01 Maybe the first time you tried to leave and you were like, I'm done. Talk us through that.
00:25:02 --> 00:25:11 Yeah, so I would say, I think it was in 2017 when I finally had proof that he was cheating on me.
00:25:11 --> 00:25:18 And that was when I began to kind of research narcissism and trauma bonds and
00:25:18 --> 00:25:22 the cycle of abuse. Up until that point, I had no idea what any of that meant.
00:25:23 --> 00:25:28 I had heard the word narcissist, but I didn't know what that entailed.
00:25:30 --> 00:25:37 And so I attempted to move out and find another place. But in the interim between
00:25:37 --> 00:25:44 me finding a place and actually moving, he had already talked himself into moving in with me.
00:25:44 --> 00:25:50 And I did that probably three different times where I moved to a different place
00:25:50 --> 00:25:55 and he, you know, with the intention of him not joining me. And ultimately, he did.
00:25:56 --> 00:25:59 So he didn't ever have his own place? No.
00:26:00 --> 00:26:05 He never had his own place. Often he would tell me that, you know,
00:26:05 --> 00:26:09 he was staying at a friend's, but he had another girl. He had another girl that
00:26:09 --> 00:26:14 he was staying with who knew about me, who knew me, who knew us as a couple.
00:26:14 --> 00:26:17 And she, you know, this poor girl, he's still with her.
00:26:17 --> 00:26:21 As far as I know, I think he's still with her. He now owns a business with her.
00:26:22 --> 00:26:27 And, you know, she's got three children. I mean, I just, she has wronged me
00:26:27 --> 00:26:35 in more ways than I can tell you. And I just really feel for her because she's in deep. Yeah.
00:26:36 --> 00:26:43 Yeah. So you did this for 10 years, back and forth, up and down for 10 years,
00:26:43 --> 00:26:45 hoping it would change. It obviously did not.
00:26:46 --> 00:26:53 You have recorded a tremendous amount of his abuse.
00:26:54 --> 00:27:01 I found you online because i found you on instagram i found you on tiktok you,
00:27:01 --> 00:27:07 and you and i talked about this last week that you said almost your entire following
00:27:07 --> 00:27:11 has come within the last year like you shared one thing and it just went viral
00:27:11 --> 00:27:14 in all the classic ways that something goes viral and.
00:27:16 --> 00:27:23 It was a wasn't it a clip of of him kind of grabbing a hammer and And threatening,
00:27:23 --> 00:27:26 there are multiple clips, I think, in this one clip.
00:27:27 --> 00:27:31 And one of them sticks in my mind because he grabs a hammer and he's sitting
00:27:31 --> 00:27:36 there and positions himself like, if you make the wrong move,
00:27:37 --> 00:27:40 your physical safety is at risk.
00:27:40 --> 00:27:43 So you did that for a long time.
00:27:44 --> 00:27:49 I did. I did do that for a long time. Most of the recordings that I have are
00:27:50 --> 00:27:57 of the last maybe two years, but that was happening for the eight years prior.
00:27:58 --> 00:28:03 You know, at some point, probably about 2017, probably six years into it was
00:28:03 --> 00:28:05 when I started to document.
00:28:06 --> 00:28:12 And I would take notes because I was being gaslit so much that I didn't know which way was up.
00:28:12 --> 00:28:15 You know, he would say he said something or do something.
00:28:16 --> 00:28:18 And he would tell me, no, I never said that. I never did that.
00:28:18 --> 00:28:22 And I'd be like, huh, wow, like I'm losing it.
00:28:23 --> 00:28:27 And so I started to document everything. I took the notes in my phone.
00:28:27 --> 00:28:30 I'd put the date and the time and I'd write down an incident.
00:28:31 --> 00:28:36 And then I would come back to him and I would say, hey, no, look like this.
00:28:36 --> 00:28:37 You didn't say that or do that.
00:28:38 --> 00:28:42 And he would get, he would double down on his gaslight lighting me and just,
00:28:42 --> 00:28:44 you know, further confuse me.
00:28:44 --> 00:28:47 And so then I started to audio record things.
00:28:47 --> 00:28:55 And ultimately I was doing that for my own sanity because I really thought that I was losing it.
00:28:56 --> 00:29:00 And then, you know, he just, none of those things mattered to him.
00:29:00 --> 00:29:02 Like he could talk his way out of anything.
00:29:03 --> 00:29:09 And and and then I would like like I said six or seven years in I I started
00:29:09 --> 00:29:12 to try to you know I was trying to leave and by then
00:29:12 --> 00:29:18 the abuse was heightened and the threats were worse it started to happen more
00:29:18 --> 00:29:24 often he started to bring in my children my children were pretty separate from
00:29:24 --> 00:29:27 him and didn't have a whole lot of interaction with him,
00:29:28 --> 00:29:32 But he would start to threaten the lives of my children if I didn't do,
00:29:33 --> 00:29:36 you know, X, Y, Z, whatever that was.
00:29:36 --> 00:29:40 He would threaten my mother.
00:29:40 --> 00:29:44 He wouldn't threaten to her face, but to mine.
00:29:44 --> 00:29:48 He would say, oh, you know, I'll never forget this. He would tell me.
00:29:49 --> 00:29:53 It's nine o'clock at night. Your mom's light's on in her house.
00:29:53 --> 00:29:55 She really should be in bed by now.
00:29:56 --> 00:30:01 Oh, my God. Or, yeah, or, you know, I see that your son's car is in the driveway
00:30:01 --> 00:30:03 or your son's at work right now.
00:30:04 --> 00:30:12 And so those things were ultimately what kept me where I was for as long as
00:30:12 --> 00:30:17 I was, because every time he did that, I just thought, oh, my God,
00:30:17 --> 00:30:19 I have, you know, I have to protect my family.
00:30:20 --> 00:30:23 And then the videos that you saw,
00:30:24 --> 00:30:31 ultimately it got to a point where i knew that if i had my video camera on that the abuse,
00:30:32 --> 00:30:41 would be less he would know that the camera was on and he would not be as you know violent violent,
00:30:43 --> 00:30:46 yeah which is terrifying because if you've seen the videos you know, it's, you know,
00:30:47 --> 00:30:49 he was very violent with them on.
00:30:50 --> 00:30:54 And I didn't know what I was going to do with those videos. I didn't,
00:30:55 --> 00:30:58 yeah, I just had them for myself.
00:30:58 --> 00:31:03 And ultimately, those videos are ultimately, and I'll get to that a little bit
00:31:03 --> 00:31:10 later in my story, but ultimately, those videos are what stopped him from finally, you know,
00:31:11 --> 00:31:13 you know, stalking and harassing and threatening.
00:31:15 --> 00:31:20 All those reasons are like, I feel like this is worth talking about.
00:31:21 --> 00:31:24 People tell me all the time, like, why didn't you just leave?
00:31:25 --> 00:31:30 And it's a question that if you've not been a part of this situation,
00:31:30 --> 00:31:32 that it's very difficult to answer.
00:31:33 --> 00:31:39 But I think that the better question is, you know, what happened inside my mind
00:31:39 --> 00:31:42 and body that made leaving more dangerous than staying?
00:31:43 --> 00:31:49 Which is what I thought, you know, and my nervous system just became like this,
00:31:50 --> 00:31:54 I was just conditioned for chaos. You know, I was walking on eggshells,
00:31:54 --> 00:32:00 and that became very normal. I was managing his emotions, and that became very
00:32:00 --> 00:32:03 normal. I was constantly checking his mood.
00:32:03 --> 00:32:08 You know, my body was always waiting for kind of like that next explosion or
00:32:08 --> 00:32:11 disappearance or threat or, you know, accusation.
00:32:12 --> 00:32:18 And I just was no longer making decisions from a, like, calm, logical place.
00:32:18 --> 00:32:22 And I was making decisions, you know, out of survival.
00:32:23 --> 00:32:28 And that survival doesn't always look logical from the outside.
00:32:29 --> 00:32:35 So I'm sure the people around me were like, oh my God, make it stop.
00:32:35 --> 00:32:38 You're the one in the situation. You're the one being abused.
00:32:38 --> 00:32:39 You're the one being threatened.
00:32:40 --> 00:32:44 You're the one who is receiving the threats about your mother,
00:32:44 --> 00:32:46 your children, your family.
00:32:47 --> 00:32:54 And when you're in that constant fight or flight state, I can only imagine that,
00:32:54 --> 00:32:59 like you said, it's all about survival and kind of, okay, what's the lesser of two evils?
00:33:00 --> 00:33:08 And I can't imagine what it must feel like to be in in that state constantly where you're,
00:33:09 --> 00:33:14 not only happiness or well-being or survival is completely dependent on someone
00:33:14 --> 00:33:17 else's mood or behavior.
00:33:17 --> 00:33:22 Like that's a prisoner. I'm sorry, but that's that's to me that says you were
00:33:22 --> 00:33:24 a prisoner in your own environment.
00:33:25 --> 00:33:29 And I'm just so sorry. Every time I've seen your videos, I just want to wrap
00:33:29 --> 00:33:33 my arms around you and squeeze you and hug you and just say how grateful I am
00:33:33 --> 00:33:36 that you are where you are now and that you're doing what you're doing,
00:33:36 --> 00:33:39 that you're helping so many people.
00:33:40 --> 00:33:47 What, what was the moment? Where did you find the strength in all that to finally,
00:33:47 --> 00:33:52 leave? I know what, I know what it was, but I want, I want you to tell us what it was.
00:33:53 --> 00:33:56 Join us next week for part two of our conversation with beanie,
00:33:57 --> 00:34:01 you'll hear the incredible story of how she finally escaped her abuser the challenges
00:34:01 --> 00:34:05 she faced rebuilding her life and how she's now using her own journey to help
00:34:05 --> 00:34:08 other women find the strength to leave abusive relationships and begin healing,
00:34:09 --> 00:34:10 you're not going to want to miss it.
00:34:11 --> 00:34:16 Thanks so much for listening and for being part of the survivors community no
00:34:16 --> 00:34:20 matter where you are in your story you're not alone and you're definitely not broken.
00:34:20 --> 00:34:23 Healing takes time and it looks different for everyone.
00:34:24 --> 00:34:28 The fact that you're still here and still trying means you're already doing the hard work.
00:34:29 --> 00:34:33 If something in today's conversation resonated with you, please share it with
00:34:33 --> 00:34:34 someone who might need to hear it too.
00:34:35 --> 00:34:39 That's how we keep these conversations going and remind each other that there's always hope.
00:34:40 --> 00:34:44 And if you or someone you know is struggling, please remember help is always out there.
00:34:44 --> 00:34:49 You can call or text 988 anytime to reach a trained crisis counselor like me.
00:34:49 --> 00:34:53 And for more mental health resources, tools, treatment options,
00:34:53 --> 00:34:56 and content to support your mental health, visit thehelphub.co.
00:34:57 --> 00:35:00 We're so grateful you're part of the Survivors family, and we'll be back next
00:35:00 --> 00:35:04 week with another honest conversation about life after the hardest things.
00:35:05 --> 00:35:09 Until then, take care of yourself and your people, and keep surviving. Thank you.